Conversations with Chuck

It is 4 oclock in the afternoon. I had lunch with a friend and came home and watched a little TV and then turned off the TV and cried.  Enough.  Enough.  So I might as well come downstairs and write a little bit.

Yesterday I drove to Elyria and back for a listening conference.. During the drive I found myself wondering if and wishing  that Chuck was with me.  We had had a March snow Sunday night and for a while the trees on the drive were glistening with snow.  It was almost ethereal and I immediately thought Chuck would have loved this.  I got off the highway and drove through small towns like Spencer Ohio.  I passed Spencer Feed store and wondered if Chuck had ever been here.  He loved driving the by ways and the sights found in  small towns.

I passed Amish farms with laundry on the line and saw a father and son walking to a barn.  Later ! passed two Amish carriages with the horses clopping along the road.  And again, Chuck would have loved this.  I remember and miss and honor his eye for beauty and  constant curiousity about his surroundings. 

When I got to the meeting a man I have known for years greeted me. We have served on many committees and he asked how I was doing.  It turns out he lost his wife  two years ago.  He shared about the grief groups he has participated in and confessed that even the night before after he turned off the TV and went to bed, he found himself in tears again - missing her. And I thought -   Two years!  That's how long Jo Dee told me it takes til you can "walk upright" again.

This journey of grief.  I hesitate writing about it, but it just goes on.

It is not that I am stuck exactly.  I live my life, go to meetings, have lunch, make plans for the future.  Today I cleaned out part of the basement and threw some Chuck stuff away and gave some clothes to good will.  But undeerneath, not far from the surface, is the sadness that is present.

As I talk to him, wonder if he is here, and  miss him.