Scenes from a Marriage

It is Monday morning and I was up in the night from 3 to 5 in tears and feeling a sense of regret and guilt.  The scenes from my marriage that were playing were times that I had not been a good wife to Chuck.  The regrets were from when  I ignored him and did my own thing, or  when I was unkind and hurtful.  I found myself thinking about the underside of my marriage.

It turns out that Audrey was also up at three and we had a significant conversation today about how hard it was living with Chuck at times.  He would give things away - often our things and not know it in his blur of activity over new treasures.  There were so many times that I would be literally FURIOUS when I was cooking in the kitchen in not being able to find things where I left them.  He would also take risks that made me uncomfortable - like going on the roof of the house or driving distances.  And his talking and "oversharing" could challenge me at times.

There were many ways in which we were mismatched but we also  - each in our own ways - supported, appreciated and broadened each other.  Our marriage was a mixture of light and dark - of messiness, avoidance and conflict and  peace, humor, comfort, love and joy.  That is who we were and I guess as I go through these stages of grief I struggle with the reality of the all of our marriage. My guilt and regrets and my sadness and loss are all mixed up together.

In so many ways I came to a belief that much of what "got on my last nerve"  with him were behaviors and patterns that he couldn't help.  And maybe I should come to an understanding about my own patterns of behavior as well - that I did the best I could.   It it helpful to write this and see it in black and white.  After I wrote much of this in my journal I turned to my book on Grieving Mindfully and wrote down these two quotes:

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers

Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing - Buddhist quote

My word for this year is WONDER and I really wonder what God is doing with me through this time of grieving.  I know I want to "get through it" so it is over.  I cannot describe how often I just feel flat and dry even though I am functioning and having a good enough time.  Even though I want to be on the other side of this sadness I am aware that there is an invitation to some kind of growth.

So, I begin this day in - I hope - a place of openness and welcoming the good times and the bad times as equally valid experiences.  And wondering:  what are you doing with me God?

As I live in awareness of the light and the dark of  = my marriage to Chuck .  And the struggle and the joy of living with myself.  And the challenge and the growth  of this journey of grief.



May the God of AWARENESS be with you.
May you always be attentive to God's activity in your life and in tune with God's desire for you.
May your awareness of God's total love for you bring you to a keep appreciation of the gift of your creation.
And may this awareness move you to an appreciation of all created beings as expressions of God's love.
May the God of AWARENESS  bless you.