Weekly Rummaging

There is a spiritual practice called Rummaging for God: Praying backwards through the day.  It is an "examen" of the events and feelings of the day and allowing ourselves to reflect on God's presence and activity.

I came home from my week in Phoenix to find a microphone on the coffee table in the family room.  Audrey had purchased it with the idea of doing a podcast.  So I said we should do a weekly one  called "Weekly Rummaging."  It would be a look back and reflection on the previous week with these categories:

 - what we had read
 - what we had seen (TV. movies. etc)
 - what we had done
 - what we had learned
 - and end with a quote.

Who knows if we will do this?  She is buying a new computer and will learn how to do it.  I am tasked with writing our theme song. ?!?!?! And last night I spent about a half hour at the piano.  What a crazy idea all of it is.  I told her that we should do it as we do our blogs - writing for ourselves.  Talking for ourselves.  And see what happens - if there is any value in it.
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But I thought this morning I would use that format for these morning pages.

What I read - I finished Becoming by Michelle Obama.  And interestingly enough I sat in the plane going home beside a woman who was reading it too. What struck me the most about Michelle was her discipline and her sense of intention. .  She was really disciplined in her physical fitness and her eating.  Her intention was to take care of her family and to be supportive of her husband during the election.  She really thought long and hard about what was good for her daughters.  And then when she was first lady, she was so intentional about the ways that she used her influence.  It was just impressive and a model for me.

What I saw - I saw "Cold War", "Widows" and the documentary about  Lorena Bobbett last week with Susan. .  When I came home I caught up with "Grey's Anatomy" - two episodes and then watched a third last night.  There is something comforting in Greys and I like that there is always a theme to every episode.  There was a point where I found myself crying - (again) - because it was touching my pain of not having Chuck.  And on reflection, I think I like the resilience of the characters - particularly Meredith.  She is a widow and is finally after years is  moving on.  And also they gather at a hospital in some very sad situations and still find joy in life.  I know it is a cheesy show, but comfort for me.

What I did.  I have had dinner out with kacey and family and spent time with Marnie and of course, Audrey.  All of that makes me happy to be home.  It is clear that they want me home.  Audrey and I are definitely going to OBX in July where we will figure out the ashes for Chuck. What I also did was spiritual direction for Sara.  And that is so helpful for getting me out of myself in into someone else's story.  I need more of it.

What I learned.  Again. Grief is a spiral staircase.  I come home with a sense of a restart and find myself also still crying every day.  And thinking of Michelle Obama and her discipline and Meredith Grey and her resilience and trying to just take the next step.  After I finish writing this I will get to the ordination sermon for tomorrow.  That has got to be finished and hopefully there will be life in the process.  I will keep going as I must.  And trust that slowly but surely God is healing me.  Removing this veil of grief.  Or "thinning it?"

A quote from the week:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." e. e. cummings

Bathing in Love

In Phoenix.  That is how I feel during this weeklong trip.  My second journey since Chuck died two months ago.  The last one in North Carolina with my brother and Vicky and now here in with Susan and Ken.

Susan is my oldest friend - we have known each other since September 1967 when we entered our freshman year at Hanover College.  We had rooms next to each other and became sorority sisters.  The next year we were roommates and "corridor chairmen."  And the next year we were each one Student staff .  The next year I was married and she was my bridesmaid and the next year she was married and I was her bridesmaid.

Our friendship has survived and actually thrived even though we never lived in the same state since 1970.  We have talked on the phone forever, written blogs together, vacationed together, cruised together.  I officiated her daughters wedding and her mother's funeral.  She came to Marnie's wedding and most recently Chuck's celebration of life.  We share a love of books, movies, games, and laughter.  I think the most important part of our life together is our mutual search for meaning, purpose and understanding of life.  I walk around her house and see so many books that we have both read that have shaped us and given us common language and aspirations for spiritual growth.

Susan is - like Vicky - a natural and comforting hostess for this grieving guest.  She knows to give me space and then to invite me to an activity.  We have a nice rhythm and Ken is part of that.  So, I start this week - with two more days here - in gratitude.  It is good to feel safe, comfortable, cared for and loved - and I know that love heals.

This journey of grief is full of ups and downs.  I have been feeling lighter since I have been here and thought that maybe the daily tears are drying up.  Yesterday we went to church and I was ambushed by the tears that came up.  I realized it was the first time I had been to church since Chuck's death and so many memories of being with him in church flooded over me. There is no question that this is a process - I can say it, read about it, write about it but it still surprises me.

I have been starting to work on an ordination sermon for Saturday.  And in my research on it, I found this beautiful poem  It really speaks to me about the life journey and the truth that we really need each other.

I will end this post with it.

There is a river flowing now very fast. 

It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. 

Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.

And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey come to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. 

Gather yourselves! Banish the word ’struggle’ from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

--Hopi Elders' Prophecy, June 8, 2000

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Welcome Everything, Push away nothing

Could this be my new mantra?  welcome everything - push away nothing?

I am reading through the book The Five Invitations in which this is written:
"Welcome everything, push away nothing is first and foremost an invitation to openness.  In the Buddhist way of thinking, openness is one of the key characteristics of an awake and curious mind.  It does not determine reality, it discovers it."

I read this yesterday and have pondered it as I  reflect on the events of my life.  Welcome them all. Audrey and  I saw  the documentary shorts for the oscars yesterday.  They were each about some really significant and hard topics: racism, death, hate, discrimination.  It was emotionally exhausting to view them.

There was one called "End Game" which was about a hospice and it brought up all kinds of feelings and memories around Chuck's death.  There is still a part of me that wonders if we could have done more or something different.  I tamp down those questions but a film like this brings them to the forefront.  This morning I read about turning toward suffering and it included this equation:

                                              pain + resistance = suffering

I have sat with that for a while this morning.  Reflecting on the gift of art which overcomes resistance and allows us to not deny unsettling thoughts and feelings but  live into them.  There are no answers, of course, to these questions about the past but just acknowledging their existence somehow helps to move on.

Here is another quote from the book:

"In the end, the only way through suffering is for us to allow what is happening, welcoming the experience and introducing awareness and compassion where denial was predominant."

And the word COMPASSION seems to be key here.  We can look into the pain as we develop compassion for ourselves as well as others.

This all seems kind of heady as I write it, but somehow it really grabbed me this morning.  Once again the reality of living and letting go and being more vulnerable and open is the path to peace and joy.  I get that and yet I will always struggle with denial, self protection and defensiveness on some level.    It is a journey - that is for sure.

I start the day with these thoughts and the awareness that i have to pack today for a trip to Phoenix tomorrow to my friend Susan and her family.   I don't know what the time will bring but I hope I can welcome everything and push away nothing!

Stay Awake

The Breeze At Dawn - Poem by Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep. 

**************

I started to listen to a podcast on the enneagram and they began with this poem by Rumi. It is five O clock and the dog has woken me up again.  

So, I got up, made coffee, gathered my new book on the enneagram, my Grieving Mindfully book, my journal and sat on the couch in the living room.  And wondered if the dog waking me up every morning at 5 might not be God's plan for my life.  Not to be simplistic, but these early mornings before I can even become narcotized by the news, have proven to be times of deep diving.  I wonder.

This morning as I sat there I remembered being with Chuck after his surgery as we were preparing to go to the doctor.  It was quite an ordeal because of his problems with walking.  We carefully - Oh so carefully - got him down the two steps from the family room through the garage.  Then walked to the car and began the task of getting him positioned in the front seat.  I distinctly remember standing there and looking out at the house across the street and saying something like - "We made it this far."  And he just smiled and said: "Isn't it great to be alive."  No irony, no sarcasm, just Chuck appreciating being outside and alive.

That memory came to me and I found myself just listing all the ways it is great to be alive right now for Margot.  Because it is.  I sit in the living room, beside a now sleeping dog making funny sounds, with journal in hand and think- It is great to be alive.

I open a brand new book that came in the mail yesterday that is full of ideas and possibilities and think - it is great to be alive.

I will email some women who are potential spiritual directees and ponder new relationships and think - it is great to be alive.

I will be preaching an ordination sermon this month and need to sit and ponder some scriptures and allow God's spirit to guide me and I think - it is great to be alive.

But most of all, as I delve back into the enneagram readings and the experience of grief, I remember that God's invitation is to explore the inner terrain which leads to freedom and peace.  I am almost finished the book  Grieving Mindfully and am reading about the lessons of grief.  Here is what the author writes"

You may find as you grieve mindfully, aware of what you are thinking and feeling, that you develop a deep confidence in your ability to live through pain. 
 And your capacity to endure the inherent uncertainties of life only becomes more evolved and mature with time.and with diligent practice of mindfulness and mindful activities.

So  I am definitely in it.  And while I do cry every day - I am glimpsing God's grace and trusting in secrets that will be revealed and God's transforming work within my life.

Happy Birthday Chuck

Today is Chuck's 83rd birthday and he is not here to celebrate.

We do celebrate birthdays - especially the "big ones."  When he turned 65 we had a big party at the church in Bowling Green. We had people come and sing - a woman named Tasha sang "summertime"  in his honor.  We also had dancing and Chuck was the DJ in the fellowship hall. I had some of Chuck's hats and aprons around and we took pictures of people wearing "Chuck stuff."

When he turned 70 we had a big party at Karl Road Christian Church.  His sister sent me a video that we showed in the sanctuary and I remember my girls talking about Chuck with funny stories.  Carol Fry sang "Summertime."   My brother came from New Hampshire and Lisa and Harv came from Toledo.  Afterwards we went to fellowship hall for games and more fun.

When he turned 75 we went on a cruise in his honor with about 20 people.  Dawn put together a special party on the cruise for Chuck and her sister who also had a birthday.  I remember Chuck in a funny hat that said 75 and wearing a flashing pin.  I also remember dancing with him.  Marnie made the wonderful Shutterfly book in his honor. It was VERY special.

When he turned 80 we were no longer at a church and had the big party at our house.  Over 50 people came.  Marnie put together a game around the room, Kacey had a funny "birthday card" with candy on it.  I made a game we played:  "It;s a Chuck thing" which I will put oat the end of this post.  I gave him a red T shirt that said: 80 years old with all original parts.  Here is a picture from that day:

The other birthdays we usually went out to dinner and bought him silly things.  Last year I got him a T shirt that said - "I never believed that one day I'd be a sexy old man, but here I am killing it.."  He loved it and wore it a lot!

So today we will go to Roosters - his favorite restaurant here and order nachos and cheese and bud light and remember him.

I feel good this morning just thinking about all of this.  We did know how to celebrate birthdays and he loved the various hats and T shirts that we usually gave him.  We are blessed by these memories.

It’s a Chuck Thing

It’s not what you do – it’s how you do it!

1.     Driving – 1 point if you have ever ridden in a car with him

     3 points if you have told him to put on a seat belt

     5 points if you have told him to look at the road

2.     Storage – I point if you have ever accompanied him to a storage unit

    3  points if you have purchased anything from him

    5 points if you sorted through storage items with him

3.     Handyman – I point if he has fixed, painted, wallpapered

    3 points if he made you a meal while working for you

4.     Church – 1 point if he has sat beside you in church

    3  points if he “whispered” to you during church

    5 points if he gave you candy

5.     Sports – 1 point if you have ever engaged in any sports with him

    3 points if he spent time looking for golf balls

   5 points if you helped him

    

6.     Prepares food –point if you have eaten any of the following

             French fries or potato chips – 3 points

              Chili – 3 points

              Muffalata – 3 points

7.     Eating out – 1 point if you have eaten out with him

      3 points if he used a coupon

     5 points if he finished eating  before you

8.     Movies – I point if you have ever gone to the movies with him

     3 points if you watched Fried Green tomatoes with him

     5 points if you know what line he says comes from that movies

     3 points if you saw the mask with him

     5 points if you know what line he says comes from that movie

9.     Makes jokes – 1 point if he has ever made a joke with you

            4 points if it was off color

A sobering realization

Last night when I was going to bed, I thought - "I am never going to see Chuck again."

And you might say - of course you will not.  He died six weeks ago.  And yet, I think there was a part of me holding my breath and somehow thinking that he was coming back.  Later.  How strange for someone as smart as me to not realize that death means - he is is not coming back.   I will not hear him say "hey gang"  or call me "honey."  I will not feel his arms around me in a bear hug.  And just writing this brings tears to me.

So I keep "grieving mindfully" and recording these thoughts and reliving these hard feelings.  It is a real struggle.

I read some more this morning about learning from grief.  And what I am really learning is how hard it is and how much like a circular staircase it really is.  I live my day for the most part doing what needs to be done.  Yesterday I went to the Kia dealership to get the facts and figures about buying my leased car and selling the second one.  I don't yet know what to do, but I looked like a responsible adult when I talked to the car salesman. I had lunch with Kim and went to the grocery store and made some plans for the future.  I am doing okay.

But then, going to bed and realizing that part of me is still not quite accepting the reality of what is here.  It takes time, that is for sure and I am just in it and doing the best that I can.

The first noble truth in Buddhism is: "we all suffer and our suffering is natural." Through "Lojong" or "mind training" we can come to see our grief as a spiritual teacher.  The author writes:

"you need to appreciate that most of your spiritual growth occurs not when you are at ease, comfortable in your life and your relationships, but when you are suffering,"

 And so the invitation is to welcome hardship as a path to growth.
 So here I am confronting my grief again as I start this day and sharing  how sad and lost I continue to be and - as always - trusting that somehow God is at work in my mind, my spirit, my soul.
 Healing.

I found this blessing "For Grief" by John O Donohue that perfectly expresses how it is:

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy

Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.

John O'Donohue