My Vagina Monologue

With all due respect to Eve Ensler - I have been on a journey of physical therapy that I wrote about for my writing class..  Hope it is not too challenging a topic to share here.

My Vagina Monologue

In the beginning it was not my vagina.  It was my “down there.”  As in – is everything ok “down there?”

However, by the time I was a Mom with daughters of my own, we used the proper word – not v jay jay or hoo hoo or down there – but vagina.  That doesn’t mean we really talked about it.  But at least we called it by name. 

As I look back I can see the many gifts of my vagina – discovering the pleasures of sex and experiencing the mystery of childbirth.   One of the thrills of my life was watching two granddaughters emerge from my daughters vagina.  It is in watching it stretch and seeing a tiny head crown, that I realized the wonder of what our bodies can do!

The babies are grown and the sex life is diminished but my vagina has lessons for me still as I face the vulnerabilities of aging.  I have a condition that embarrasses me and I looked and looked for some more beautiful way to express the problem – and found this one – enuresis.  Enuresis!  It flows off your tongue.  Or I could use the other term which sounds  awful to my ears  -  incontinence.  It started a long time ago with the inadvertent spurts that came following a sneeze or belly laugh.  Later, there were leaks when I was lifting or running.  Added to that was a growing sense of urgency – the dash to the bathroom hoping to make it in time, quickly unbuttoning my pants, pivoting and plopping on the toilet.  It is a gradual progression from minipads, to maxis, to poise pads and eventually (no I did not get there!) to depends.

Instead I went to my doctor and asked about surgery.  However, just like when I had a frozen shoulder – her first response was – “why don’t you try physical therapy? “  She assured me it would be private - “in a room with a door and a nice woman will work with you.”

That was the beginning of an adventure that has  led me into a deeper knowledge and relationship with this most precious part of my body – my vagina. 

I have learned a new form of awareness about how I sit and what I drink and how it affects her, my vagina.  It turns out that she  holds my tension.  More than I ever knew. Many people tell me that I am a calming and peaceful presence.  You should see me with a nervous bride at a wedding or a fretful funeral director before a service.  I am unruffled and serene.    Except – apparently my vagina is holding the tension tightly.   And here’s the thing : if your vagina is always on high alert you cannot squeeze appropriately to stop the pee.   So….another lesson has been that relaxation needs to be complete – throughout every part of my body.  Guided  meditations have become  necessary as I confront this.

It  turns out that tight muscles can be stretched gradually through digital pressure.  I am more friendly and aware of  my labia and the powerful muscles of that part of my body than ever in my life.

My vagina has also taught me that when there is a sense of urgency, accidents can be avoided through practicing deep breathing.   I no longer make a mad dash to the bathroom, but now  walk  forward a step at a time, breathing deeply, occasionally stopping to do Kegel exercises and am able to control how and when I urinate.

Finally I have learned again that my mind – my quick, sharp, smart brain – can betray me.  It convinces me that I am full when I am not and creates a sense of demand and anxiety that is unnecessary.  Is it possible that my sense of urgency is a delusion or maybe a  compulsion?

And so my "down there", my vagina, my beloved vagina has become a  spiritual teacher for me.  An appreciation of Meditation,  deep breathing, and bodily awareness have become gifts of this journey. Most importantly, I have hope for change that affects  body and soul.  I am awed by the mystery of it all and trusting  that  these spiritual practices  are making me stronger, wiser and drier. 

May it be so.

Intermezzo

 The definition of Intermesso is:

: a short light entr'acte; a movement coming beetween the major sections of an extended musical work 

Or I would call it s "Breathing Space" 

There is a statement I learned many years ago that I have often said to others and myself:
"ANXIETY IS CAUSED BY NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION"

I write this having more information than when I wrote about being "In suspense" and my anxiety has lessened greatly.  I can breathe.

When we heard that Chuck had cancer, my mind went over all kinds of possibilities that I have both experienced and heard about.  He had a cat scan on Wednesday and we saw the surgeon on Friday. I could have heard that the cancer was all over the place and that we needed to act immediately. And thank God that was not the case.

Instead we learned that the cancer is so small that the cat scan did not pick it up.  And there was nothing else to report.  There will be surgery but not right away because Chuck needs to get his strength up. So he has been instructed to eat protein and drink two ensures every day.

And now we wait for that strengthening to happen slowly as he actually seems to be doing it.  Friends have suggested other products he might try and ways to make the ensure more palatable.  But I trust that he will gain weight during these weeks.

We do not yet have a date for the surgery and that too makes the breathing room more open.  Once there is a date, I am sure there will be - like it or not - a mental countdown to the big day.  But for now waiting "a month or so" seems like a long time away.

At the same time I talk to my brother, Geoff,  who is waiting to go home.  He and Vicki have stayed in several motels waiting for the storm to subside and living in the  reality that it will be some time before he is able to drive to Southport.  He waits with more information too - he knows that no trees have fallen on his home and that the worst of Florence is over. 

We both wait for the next act to begin - surgery for Chuck and homecoming for Geoff and Vicki.
And this intermezzo is a time for diversions and waiting in gratitude. 

I am just so grateful that this cancer was discovered and we can do what needs to be done.  And grateful for the friends and family members who so clearly love us.  And grateful for my faith that gives me peace even in the midst of the various times of anxiety from not knowing what is coming next.

We are blessed beyond deserving (which is one of my definitions of grace).

My prayers are with those whose lives are completely upended by the storms of life and especially those without the resources that we have.  May God's strength and hope and guidance be with  all of us.  Here is a prayer for Comfort and reassurance.

May the God of COMFORT bless you.
May God's care for you ease all that is troubling to you and reassure you in times of adversity.
May you be encouraged by the whisper of God's love for you in the center of your being and may you rest securely in the arms of the One who will never let go of you.
May you extend the hand of comfort to those around you who are in needs of that same reassurance.
May the God of COMFORT be with you.
Maxine Shonk

Living in Suspense

 Here is a definition of Suspense
"A state of feeling excited or anxious uncertainty about what may happen"
Synonyms: tension, uncertainty, doubt, anticipation, expectation, excitement, anxiety.

I know these feelings - intimately.  Especially lately.

I am living in suspense for the regional church which has an assembly on October 6th to vote on resolutions about what to do next. We have no money.  What will happen to camp?  Who is going to be our leader?  What are the next steps?

I am living in suspense as I think about my brother Geoff and Vicki and all the people whose lives are being affected already by hurricane Florence.  It has not landed and it looks bad but maybe it will lose steam, maybe it will miss their home or maybe it will be worse than Hurricane Sandy.  We do not know and cannot control this force of nature

I am living in suspense as I think about my husband who we now know has colon cancer.  There has been suspense for weeks as we have waited for a colonoscopy and now we know that much.  Today there is a cat scan and Friday a meeting with a surgeon and there might be more answers.  But now there are questions - how soon is the surgery?, will he need chemo? is the cancer contained?

I spoke to my dear friend Susan yesterday as her grandson in Chicago with heart issues has strep throat and she lives in that suspense and l can so glibly say "We don't know what we don't know."
Meaning - we have to stay in the present and not jump ahead to all the what ifs.  But the present contains doubt. uncertainty, and anxiety.  It just does.  We are in suspense.

It also contains joy, beauty and even a sort of contentment.  This is definitely the "both and" of all of our lives.  It is never one thing.  Last night after Audrey went to work, Chuck and I sat companionably in the family room reading - he is reading Janet Evanovitch and I am devouring Bob Woodward.  This was after a delicious lunch at a new restaurant in Westerville and just the  daily ordinary moments of our marriage.

I suspect that all of us have some area of our life that is in suspense right now and there is always uncertainty bubbling below the surface.  It is a blessing to be a person of faith because central to everything is the awareness that we are not in control : "There is a God and it is not Us."  And the one who gave us life is a loving and sustaining presence every time we remember to return and reconnect.

So, I start this day with this reflection and remind myself to breathe in the love and breathe out the anxiety.  Be still and know.  YES

May the BREATH OF GOD bring you blessing.
May you always know unconditional love in the gentle breeze of God's presence.
May God breathe into you a contemploative spiritu, a spirit of love, a spirit of peace.
And may you breathe a spirit of trust into the life around you.
May the BREATH OF GOD bless you..
By Maxine Shonk

Thursday Thoughts

This has been a quiet day for me as Audrey sleeps here during the day and Chuck is resting and readying himself for a colonoscopy tomorrow.  It has rained on and off today and I find myself reading and reflecting on many things.

Without a doubt movies have always been important to me.   It has been my practice in retirement to try to see a movie a week which I have not kept to this summer.  However in the last 10 days I have seen three movies: Crazy Rich Asians, BlacKkKlansman, and Operation Finale.  They were each very good in their own way.  And even though Craxy Rich Asians was a rom com and BlacKkKlansman was a police move and Operation Finale was a suspense film, they all had something in common - the divisions that people make between others.  In Crazy Rich Asians, it was a mother who did not want her son to marry a woman from America because of her wanting to cling to the familiar life of Singapore.  It's a rom com and just a hurdle for the couple to overcome.  The truth is that there are famlies that are divided because a parent could not or would not accept the partner of their child.The other two moves were powerful reminders of the racism and the anti semitism that is part of our national and world history and still continues today.

 I think in some ways, I go to the moves - not to escape - but to stay awake to the reality of life as it is lived.  Historical movies remind us of the hateful ways humans can treat each other and all we have to do is read the newspaper and see that it continues.  It is easy to live in our own bubble and comfort zone.

I  have recently started reading a book by Mark Nepo The One Life We're Given. It is one of those books that has to be read - really, savored - slowly.  He writes about the twin callings of "enlivening our soul and enlivening the world."

He starts the book with these words:

"Each person is born with a gift.  Our call is to find it and care for it.  The ultimate purpose of the gift is to exercise the heart into inhabiting its aliveness. For the covenant of life is not just to stay alive, but to stay in our aliveness.  And staying in our aliveness depends on opening the heart and keeping it open."

I know I will be quoting from this book in the future posts on this blog, but just this thought is a good one.  We open our heart to feel - not only our pain - but the pain of our brothers and sisters who live in this world where too often there are divisions and injustice.  When I sit with people in spiritual direction, often I hear about the painful places of their lives and the wounds that they continue to carry.  It is not easy to keep our hearts open but that is the only way to really share this amazing journey of being a human being on earth.

I will end with this blessing by Maxine Shonk who says it better than me.

May the God of COMPASSION be with you,
embracing you when you are alone or worried or confused;
when your heart is besieged with pain.
May the wellspring of compassion flow deep within you until you know the enfolding of God's love
and can taste the tears of your brothers and sisters who suffer.
May you be the warm hands and the warm eyes of compassion for those who reach out to you.
May the blessing of COMPASSION be on you.

new month

It is September and a month that for me often felt like new beginnings.  A new school year, a new notebook, new teachers, new grade.  All of that when I was in school.

And when I was in the church it was time for back to church special Sundays - let's Kickoff! the new year.  The kids moved up a grade, there were new Sunday School classes starting, often new programs and a new sermon series.

So, here I am still feeling like something new is afoot without the external events in my life.  And there are two new happenings.  The first is the Audrey yesterday - I think - bought a house.  Which is definitely going to bring a change to my life.  She will start the process of moving out and I would imagine within two months Chuck and I will be the only residents of 1812 White Pine Court.  I know it is time for her to have her own place, but I will surely miss her company and help around the house.

After Chuck's fall last month it has become clear to me that his "gallivanting" by himself is coming to an end.  There is nothing he like more than going places and especially going new places.  So, I proposed to him that we would begin a project - a new project - in September.  We are calling it Chuck's Gallivanting Adventures - Lunch Edition.  The idea is that we will go on weekly lunches to someplace NEW every week and the goal is to hit 50 restaurants in 50 weeks!  We'll see if we are up to it.  I will be putting together a blog so we can have a record of the different places that we will go.

One of the big differences between me and Chuck is that I really like the familiar when it comes to going out to eat.  My ideal would be to find a restaurant that we frequent enough that when we walk in someone says: "Hi Margot!Do you want some coffee with cream?"  They know me!  But Chuck like novelty.  He likes to go someplace new that he has never been before   He like driving in the country and is delighted when it is a road he has never been on.  There is nothing like the NEW for him.

So, this project begins on Wednesday and I look forward to whatever new thing we eat and discover together.  It is good to try NEW things.  And I suspect I need more of it in my life.

May the God of NEWNESS be with you, freshening you with renewed energy and awakening you with new perspectives on old vision.
May you be free enough to let go of what is stale and used up
and to embrace what is new and full of promise.
May God's grace be with you as you wrap yourself in what is right, if unfamiliar.
May you look upon your life and your ministry with the eyes of God, ever new and ever transforming.
May the God of NEWNESS be with you.