Waiting

Hopefully in faith.  And it is almost over.

Two weeks ago, John was in the hospital with pancreatitis and now we wait for another test which may tell us the origins of this illness.  I move in and out of anxiety about it.

As a pastor, I have watched people living in this state of waiting for news.  We have been there quite a bit this year as John had an MRI in December and a biopsy in January.  Each time there was the waiting for the results.  Which eventually showed that he has prostate cancer.

Then there was the waiting to see the doctor and find out what the protocol will be.  Eventually we found out that he will be taking pills and occasional injections and maybe radiation in the summer.  We learned that this is not a death sentence - but LIVING with cancer.  We can do that.  We are doing that.

Now there is a new issue and a new time of waiting.  Unavoidable waiting.

What I know to be true is that it is hard to wait and not know and not speculate and make up stories and start to make plans in my head based on the stories I have concocted.  For me, waiting in faith is waiting in a suspended state and just LIVE with the unknown.

I write this today as we will go to get the endoscopy.  The bad news that we learned yesterday is that we STILL won't find out what is happening for another 10 days - until he sees the doctor.  I know I am not alone in this but I really had no idea how hard it can be to not know. 

My mantra is from St Theresa of Avila:

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

I do believe that.  And I also believe that God is with us in everything.  

Last night John said to me - the best part of life is love.  Yes!  And so I look for love and joy in the midst of waiting.  Here is a quote from Mary Oliver: 

 

Don’t Hesitate – Mary Oliver

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don't hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that's often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don't be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

the

Can people change?

That is the question that I was given to respond to in "Storyworth" which my daughter Kacey gave me for Christmas.  I thought I would share my response to it here.

I believe that people can change. That is really foundational to my faith - people can change. I can change my attitude, my body, my circumstances and my health.

Part of the change is healing. Trauma, grief and illness can lead us into a time of disorientation and pain. But healing from all of this is possible. I just heard about the death of a friend’s husband and thought that she will now go into that dark spiral of grief. I lived in and through that for two years and eventually the fog lifted and I was able to “come back to life.” The life I have come back to is different from the previous one and I have changed in some ways. But I did not remain in that place of darkness. I believe that is possible for everyone.

I have heard people tell me that they used to be shy and now they are not or they used to be more gregarious and now they prefer much more times of solitude. I do not know what brings those changes but I know they do happen.I have seen people who used to be more anxious and fearful and controlling become calmer and more at peace with the challenges and ambiguity of life.

Sometimes faith can make a discernible difference. I have been on silent retreats and experienced the loving and gracious presence of God and that becomes a factor for me in living more peacefully and trusting that “all will be well.” I encounter many people who have - usually because of their childhood upbringing - huge insecurities about who they are and whether they are acceptable or loveable. There is a mystery here in how an experience of God’s presence (sometimes demonstrated in loving care of a person or a community) can begin to fill that empty place within them. All I can say is that i have seen people change and learn to love themselves and live in a more life affirming way.

Now, at the same time I know that there are aspects of ourselves that may not change. As one who appreciates the insights of Meyers Briggs typology - heart (emotionally) oriented people begin there and the intuitive will not easily delve into the details of life. (speaking of myself). However, even in this, self knowledge can help us to recognize our shadow and not get triggered as easily. But blind spots are blind spots and that contributes to the lack of change.

In summary, the difference my faith makes is this: I believe that there is a life giving, healing presence in this world that loves us and seeks to move us to wholeness and unity and peace. We might call it God and that is a continual source of change for all of us as we allow the spirit to move us. To grow us.

We cooperate with the change that God desires for us as we "loosen our grip."  I love this writing by Ted Loder

 

O God, it is hard for me to let go, most times, and the squeeze I exert garbles me and gnarls others.

So, loosen my grip a bit on the good times, on the moments of sunlight and star shine and joy, that the thousand graces they scatter as they pass may nurture growth in me rather than turn to brittle memories.

Loosen my grip on those grudges and grievances I hold so closely that I may risk exposing myself to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage.

Loosen my grip on my fears that I may be released a little into humility and into an acceptance of my humanity ...

Loosen my grip on my ways and words ... that letting go into the depths of silence and my own uncharted longing, I may find myself held by you and linked anew to all life in this wild and wondrous world you love so much. so I may take to heart that you have taken me to heart

 

 

Doesn't everything die?

Those words are from a poem by Mary Oliver called "The Summer Day."  The line is: "Doesn't everything die at last and too soon?"

Yes, of course.  And it is hard when it does.  In yesterday's New York Times Maureen Dowd wrote an article called "Requiem for the Newsroom."  She writes that back in the 70's newsrooms were a "crackling gaggle of gossip, jokes anxiety oddball hilarious characters.  Now we sit at home alone staring at our computers.  What a drag. " I know my dear friend Susan knows exactly what she was talking about.  

I was looking at facebook today and saw that yet another church from my denomination was closing and becoming "a legacy church."  It just made me sad.  I keep seeing once vibrant churches shrink and often die.  Our camping program that had every week of camp filled with campers seems to have fewer young people every years.  And I remember what it once was - a place where lives were literally changed and people connected on a deep level.  For many of us it was truly the best week of the summer.

I was a camp counselor, an assistant director, and a faculty member at various camps for decades.  With Mary Wood, I helped to create our still successful Grandparents Camp.  This is the first summer in forty years that I will not be going to camp at all.  I am 74 years old now and I think it really is time.  It is bittersweet.  I will miss going and engaging with the kids as well as the other volunteers.  And it is just now the same camp experience.  

All of this is life, of course.  Everything dies -  institutions, churches, news gathering organizations, and people.  Death brings sadness and some regret.  At the same time, I believe that God is a creating  and recreating source of life and new life and there is always something more and something new happening.  As I look at the changes in churches over the years I really do wonder what is happening.  What is the something new?  

I guess as I write this - that is the definition of faith.  The belief that while I do not see it right now, God is at work and creating a new way of leading people to a relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. When I think of myself as  a Christian, the language is use now is that I am a follower of Jesus.  Christianity is about a way of life.   What that includes is: humility, wonder, service, grace, gratitude, compassion, simplicity, unity  and love.  This is a stance that is very different from many of the messages of our culture which encourage competitiveness, divisiveness, consumerism, materialism and individualism. How do my grandchildren learn about this other way of being in the world?

I don't know.  But I trust that under the surface and more than I know - there are books, music, people, movies, gatherings  and other ways that they can experience what we had a Camp and in Youth group in our day. I also  know that even though I am old and retired, God is not done with me - or any of us - in doing whatever we are called to do  to show and live out our faith in the abiding love of God.

Here is the poem by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver

A new poem

I am getting ready to officiate the wedding of Sara and Chris at the end of this month.  Their love story parallels mine with John.  I  facilitated their introduction a year ago and watched them fall in love over the summer and fall.  Sara introduced me to this poem by Hafiz , a mystical sufi poet.

 I KNOW THE WAY YOU CAN GET

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!”

I love this:  "I know the way  you can get..." 

In our family we know how we can get when we are hungry (hangry, right?) and I know how I can get when I have not slept enough and I know how I can get when I am under stress and I know how I can get when I am feeling afraid and anxious.  It may not always be immediately visible, but inside  me there is a clenching, a hardness, a terrible tension. And I can get inwardly judgmental and critical. (sometimes outwardly!)

I like how the poet writes: I know the way  you can get "If you have not had a drink from Love's Hands.  That is why all the Great Ones speak of the vital need to keep remembering God."

For some people, faith is an "if then" proposition: that   my  faith and good works will result in God's favor.  For me, it is almost the opposite.  My faith - remembering there is a God and it is not me, there is a God who is loving, protecting, eternal - results in my inner peace, spaciousness, and freedom to love.  When I remember I can soften and let go and trust.  For me, drinking from Love's Hands can mean stopping, listening, looking, praying, BEING. 

Psalm 46 is one of my favorites because it has the lines - "Be still and know that I am God."  It begins with an experience of tumult  with a picture of earth giving way, mountains falling, waters roaring and foaming.  In the midst of troubles and fears God is present - an ever present help.  The Psalmist like the poet Hafiz has the same understanding - remember.  Be still and drink from Love's hands. 

Because otherwise - I know the way you can get.

Faith

I just finished reading a wonderful book by a Buddhist writer: Sharon Salzberg called Faith.: Trusting your own Deepest Experience.  

Her definition of faith is different from our usual Chrisian teachings.  She writes:

"Faith does not require a belief system, and is not necessarily connected to a deity or God, though it doesn't deny one.  This faith is not a commodity we either have or don't have - it is an inner quality that unfolds as we learn to trust our own deepest experience."

My definition of faith has always been in relationship to God - that my faith IS my relationship to God.  This understanding is about life itself and the  reality of impermanence and at the same time the love that is everywhere.  

To quote her: "The Buddha said, "Faith is the beginning of all good things."  No matter what we encounter in life, it is faith that enables us to try again, to trust again, to love again.  Even in times of immense suffering, it is faith that enables us to realte to the present moment in such a way that we can go on, we can move forward, instead of becoming lost in resignation or despair."

My life has been a roller coast for the last few years.  The loss of Chuck and the resulting grief and then meeting John and the wonder of new love again.  I just sit here this morning in gratitude for all of it and for my faith that helps me to let go of fear and anxiety live in the moment and trust the love dreanched universe.  

Here is a prayer by Ted Loder that speaks to me.

Loosen My Grip

O God, it is hard for me to let go.

Please loosen my grip on those grudges

and grievances I hold so closely.

that I may risk exposing myself

to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness

that changes things

and resurrects dreams and courage.

Loosen my grip on my fears

release me a little into humility

and into an acceptance of my humanity.

Release me from the ominous fear

of thinking some sin or failure of mine

can separate me from you.

Release me from the dark fury

of assuming I am unloved

when the day calls for sacrifice

and the night for courage.

Loosen my grip on myself

for to reach out

is to know myself held;

to laugh at myself

is to be carried on the easiness of your grace;

to attend to each moment

is to hear the faint melody of eternity.

Loosen my grip on my fears and fretfulness

so that letting go

into the depths of silence

I may find myself held by you

and linked anew to all life

in this wild and wondrous world

you love so much,

so I may take to heart

that you have taken me to heart.

Amen

-Ted Loder

Here is a prayer that speaks to me this morning. 

Martin Luther King Jr

I am now writing a weekly email that goes to my daughters in response to a prompt from Kacey.  This is for “Storyworth” and at the end of the year it will be put into a book.  Pretty neat!Top of Form

 

This week the question was:  How did you experience the death of Martin Luther King, Jr.  This is what I wrote:

 

Bottom of Form

I  would like to tell you that I was absolutely devastated the day that Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. I would like to write that I had cherished his writings and his speeches and knew him to be the important prophet, preacher and activist of the civil rights movement. But I cannot.

I was definitely aware of the event of his murder. It was April 4, 1968 and I was a freshman at Hanover College. At that time in my life, my focus was on whether or not Henry Martin would ask me out and activities of the Alpha Delta Pi sorority and my classwork. Probably in that order.

When I reflect back on my teens and early twenties, I realize that I was barely aware of the importance of the civil rights movement that was happening at the time. I was not entirely ignorant. In high school I had discovered the writings of James Baldwin and I recognized the reality of racism. We moved in 1966 from the racial diversity of West Chester, Pennsylvania to the all white Birmingham. Michigan. I was - with all the self righteousness of the young - indignant at the exclusivity of this community.

At the same time, I have a distinct memory of the Detroit riots. I was working at the dry cleaners and our presser, an African American woman named Ellie, lived in downtown Detroit. She was unable to get out of the city for a week to come to work. I did not begin to understand the reasons behind the riots - I only knew how it inconvenienced daily life. The protests were a problem to my sense of order.

It has only been through readings, movies, workshops and life experiences in the past fifty years that I have come to grasp the reality of the stain of slavery that has effected our nation since its beginning. Its ramifications are still experienced to this day.

About ten years ago I went to the Quadrennial for women in my denomination that was in Atlanta Georgia. I went on a tour of the church where Martin Luther King preached. (where Rafeal Warnock is now). What is clear to me is that the church and his faith were foundational to his life and his message. He trusted that God was leading him to speak his truth - not only about racism but also about the evils of the war in Vietnam and the poverty in our nation.

When I pastored Karl Road Christian Church I attended and hosted many celebrations of Martin Luther King Jr. At those occasions, people - white and black - would share reminiscences of the day of his death. Some had walked with him protesting or heard him speak. I am always quiet knowing that my journey has been a slow awakening to my own ignorance, unconsciousness and self centeredness that is comfortable with the status quo until someone has the courage to name the evil in our midst.

Even at the cost of losing his life.

Reading

Last year I made a plan to read 75 books and once I started dating John that pretty much went by the wayside.  The reading I have done in the past has been a lot of audio books as I walk or live in the house.

These days most of my books have been on kindle reading books I get through the library.

Right now I have one book going - "Dinner With Ruth "- by Nina Totenberg which is about her relationship with Ruth Ginsberg.  I love it and am reading it slowly.  I am getting ready to go on a trip to Phoenix and Kim lent me the latest Louise Penny book and I look forward to reading that.

As I look through my books from the past year I can see there has definitely been a theme.  I have my regular authors that I read - John Grisham, John Sandford, Michael Connelly and Louise Penny.  None of these ever disappoint.  I started the past year reading everything I could by Adrian McKinty, who writes about an Irish detective.  Before that I read through Anne Cleves books about Jimmy Perez.  It is fun and satisfying to find a writer and follow a character. What these books have in common is a central character who is essentially "Good ."  I am at the point when I read books or watch TV or movies - that if there are no likeable characters I stop reading or watching. 

This past year I have read at least 10 books about the Trump administration and politics in general - like David Axelrod's "Believer", Lis Smith's "Any Given Tuesday", Mark Liebovitch's "Thank you for your Servitude", Peter Baker's "The Divider', Maggie Haberman's "Confidence Man."  I think I am done for a while. There is something about the political process that fascinates me.  It can be as  much of a calling as ministry or teaching. 

My guilty pleasure is reading biographies of famous people.  I really enjoyed "The Palace Papers" by Tina  Brown and "Live Wire" by Kelly Ripa.  We all have complicated lives and are working through questions of meaning and purpose and living in the wonder and messiness of family life.

And then there are the spiritual books that I slowly savor.  Right now it is "Common Sense Spirituality" by David Steindl-Rast.  I have been spending time with this book for over a month. 

As I write this I realize that reading is an important part of my being "centered."  Like every activity,  it is "both and."  Reading can be an activity that stimulates the mind and opens us to new ideas and it can be like a narcotic numbing us and closing us off from people.  Over my life, it has worked in both ways for me.

This year I am not going to guess how many books I will read.  I hope to read more "literature" and books that will stretch me.  I was looking up quotes about reading and like what CS Lewis writes:

"We read to know we are not alone."  YES - and it is a special blessing to share the books with others and understand that we are on this mysterious journey of life together.  And reading helps!

 Smith and Live Wire by Keppy Ripa.