Waiting

Hopefully in faith.  And it is almost over.

Two weeks ago, John was in the hospital with pancreatitis and now we wait for another test which may tell us the origins of this illness.  I move in and out of anxiety about it.

As a pastor, I have watched people living in this state of waiting for news.  We have been there quite a bit this year as John had an MRI in December and a biopsy in January.  Each time there was the waiting for the results.  Which eventually showed that he has prostate cancer.

Then there was the waiting to see the doctor and find out what the protocol will be.  Eventually we found out that he will be taking pills and occasional injections and maybe radiation in the summer.  We learned that this is not a death sentence - but LIVING with cancer.  We can do that.  We are doing that.

Now there is a new issue and a new time of waiting.  Unavoidable waiting.

What I know to be true is that it is hard to wait and not know and not speculate and make up stories and start to make plans in my head based on the stories I have concocted.  For me, waiting in faith is waiting in a suspended state and just LIVE with the unknown.

I write this today as we will go to get the endoscopy.  The bad news that we learned yesterday is that we STILL won't find out what is happening for another 10 days - until he sees the doctor.  I know I am not alone in this but I really had no idea how hard it can be to not know. 

My mantra is from St Theresa of Avila:

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

I do believe that.  And I also believe that God is with us in everything.  

Last night John said to me - the best part of life is love.  Yes!  And so I look for love and joy in the midst of waiting.  Here is a quote from Mary Oliver: 

 

Don’t Hesitate – Mary Oliver

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don't hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that's often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don't be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

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