The Gift of Preaching

I am now on staff at Gender Road Christian Church as the "Minister of Engagement."  I still don't know exactly what that means - but I  like the sound of it.  Maybe I am helping people to engage with each other, with the church program, with their spiritual life?

When I preach, I am helping people to engage with the text.  The good news is that I get to preach  once a month.  So, I get to engage with the text and have a lot of time to ponder, study, reflect and write.  AND because there are three services - I get to deliver the sermon three times and get more comfortable with it each time.

I preached Sunday on the "Little Apocalypse" passage from Luke 21 and enjoyed the process of putting it all together.  Afterward someone asked me how long it took to write and I SAID - 10 - 15 hours which may be true.  But the truth is that until I am delivering a sermon, the text just sits in the back of my head and informs whatever I am doing.  My sermons often will include whatever is happening in my life at the time.  In this case, I ended up telling a story about Dolly Parton because I have been listening to her podcast.

Yesterday I started looking at the next text because I am preaching again in two weeks.  It will be the first Sunday in Advent and I think that the title will be "Walking in the Light." (Isaiah 2: 1-5) Already ideas are starting to come and I find myself having renewed energy for this whole process.

Sunday afternoon I went to a program by the Spirituality Network which was essentially an experiential introduction to the spirituality of Islam.  We learned about clothing, architecture, prayer forms and history.  It was really, really interesting and inspiring.  I started thinking about the practice of praying 5 times a day and wondered what effect that would have on me if I intentionally prayed in that way.

I think that the discipline of preaching has always been a gift to me in that it has kept the word of God for that week (or month) present and alive within me.  It is possible that with this I end up praying MORE than five times a day!  The greatest blessing of my life now  is that I no longer have the relentless pressure of preaching weekly.   Instead I get to feast on the word slowly and allow it to seep into my soul and reveal the richness of God's word.

Actually as I write this, I realize that my faith is strong because of my years of preaching.  It is a gift and sometimes a burden as face a difficult text and wonder what God wants me to share.  Over the years I have gone through times - on Friday or Saturday - of thinking that  whatever I have  put together was stupid or dry or unintelligible.  And then usually - with a little more time and prayer - something new emerges. It can be an image, a transition, a cpmplete reorganization,  but the sermon then takes a new shape and I have peace about it.  Many many weeks  I go through what I call a "Good Friday" moment where I am saying - "My God, My God where are you?"  And then Easter comes.

That may all sound dramatic but that really has been my experience.  I  can testify that God is faithful and God does give us what we need to do the things we have been called to do.

Here is a blessing by Maxine Shonk that speaks to be today.

May the God of SERVICE be with you.
May God minister to you in your vulnerability.
May you know God's giving presence in your powerlessness and in your humanity.
May you serve the needs of all those whose path of struggle and need crosses your own.
And may they know the healing touch of God through your service and presence.
May the God of SERVICE be with you.

A Time of Wonder

I have just returned from a trip to Chattanooga and Nashville Tennessee and am still pondering and appreciating the gift of this time away.

I was accompanying Audrey who is part of a 12 person running team doing a 200 mile relay from Chattanooga to Nashville.  While she was running in the some cold weather, I was exploring interesting places in Chattanooga and then enjoying nice meals on the road.

All day Friday I kept thinking this is a day of wonders.  We saw Ruby Falls which is an underground waterfall on Lookout Mountain.  Words cannot describe this trip of walking through caverns and seeing the beauty of stalactites and stalagmites and the falls were just breathtaking.  In the afternoon we went to Rock City with massive rock formations and panoramic views.  It was amazing.

The wonders also continued just in being part of the community that surrounded this race.  The 12 runners took two vans and supported each other in this very daunting task.  They joined a hundred other teams and watching everyone come in at the end was really inspiring. 

On Sunday Audrey and I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame and - even though I am not usually listening to country music - I greatly appreciate the creativity of the artists who were celebrated there.  Always, it is fascinating to see the different ways that people live their lives and use their gifts and this was time well spent.

So, I am home again and ready to think about preaching this Sunday and being present to God as I continue to live my own life of wonder.  I think I will end this with a fragment from a poem by Wendell Berry that I received from the Geography of Grace Class.

What We Need Is Here

Geese appear high above us.
pass, and the sky closes.  Abandon,
as in love or sleep, holds
Them to their way, clear
in the ancient faith; what we need
is here.  And we pray, not
for new earth or heaven, but to be
quiet in heart, and in eye,
clear.  What we need is here.

In this together

 I have started a "Readers and Writers Salon" which meets once a month where we either share writing we like or writing we have done.  And this is what I wrote this month:

The women come

Usually solo but sometimes in twos or even threes.

But mostly they come alone.   Dressed in a variety of ways – scarves, spangles, jeans, tennis shoes, robes, dresses, hajibs,  suits,  high heels, scrubs.  Most speak English but some come with translators.   The women range in age and have a variety of expectations.  

For some, this is an annual mammogram that the doctor requires, for others it is a look back after a questionable test.  Some are here for bone scans and others for a biopsy.  They are the ones who often have companions – a daughter with a mother, a wife with a husband.  The women  come and go all morning long .

After Latasha or Jen check them in, I open the  door and show them the  dressing area and ask my questions and give instruction.   The first question is always:   : “ Did you use deodorant or lotion?” Followed by:    Here is your robe and a locker.  Take off everything above the waist, tie the robe in the front.  Are you having a bone scan?  I inquire about metal in their clothing,  calling attention to zippers and hooks on bras.  Then they go into the tea room, waiting for their name to be called.

 

And I take paperwork to the nurses and techs and then go back to the waiting room until the next woman needs to be escorted back.  

I am a volunteer who spends 4 hours weekly opening doors and closing curtains, giving out robes, and inviting women into the lovely tea room -  a place of peace where there are magazines to read,  soft music playing and tea and coffee available.

I go back and forth all morning – lugging the used robes into the backroom, refilling the shelves, checking on coffee, water, cream and sugar.   I am a pleasant face, a helpful presence and mostly unseen.

I enjoy sitting in the waiting room during the lulls between women and watching people entering the medical building.  There are  people of all ages, stages  and races.  Many hobble on their way in, holding onto walkers or canes.  I see   racing children with patient parents and older couples holding hands.  

At the same time the TV in the waiting room is always on HGTV and so I watch parts of episodes of “Love it or List it” or “House Hunters” or “Beachfront Bargain Hunt”  - all of which show people who are younger than me, richer than me and definitely pickier than me selecting a home.

And I realize how easy it is to live in our  own little bubble of privilege and particularity. On most days I am  with people close to my own age, race, religion and class.

But Friday mornings in this little job I find myself pondering some  of the great mysteries of life.

I ponder the sheer variety of people that populate Columbus.  I marvel at the differences in attire and attitude of women that come and go through the this medical building.

I ponder  the mystery of our health that unites all of us.  We live in amazing, powerful  and yet fragile bodies.  We are all one cancer screening away from truly confronting our own mortality.

And finally,  I ponder the mystery of the human relationships.  Some people wondered about my working here – are you counseling?  Doing Pastoral care?  No.  I smile, I speak their name, hand out a robe, show them to the next room.  

Sometimes there has been more: a very teary woman told me that she was having a biopsy and I prayed for her.  Another time a woman shared that this was her first mammogram without her mother and we talked about grief together.  

But mostly I enjoy the simplicity of service to another that makes a little connection because ultimately  I find hope believing that   we are all in this  together.  

Here I am

It is a full and rich life.  And an empty and sad life.  Both.  In the same day.  And I am getting used to it and marveling at it all.

The empty part is the living alone and being surprised at times by my solo state.  I am blessed by leading two grief groups so I know that I am not alone in this.  There is a 93 year old woman who lost her husband 22 years ago who continues to have times of missing him - and she says - now more than ever.  The hardest times are the evenings as I eat alone and usually watch TV and then go to bed instructing Ginger to stay in her bed.

I have attended two funerals in the last week and that has contributed to a sense of sadness.  It is just hard to keep going when a loved one dies.

But the full and rich part of my life is also real and remarkable.  Sunday I went with all three daughters to Toledo for Rachel's wedding shower.  She is Chuck's granddaughter and I am so pleased that she asked me to officiate the wedding in January.  And even more pleased that we gathered as a family to celebrate together.  We all played a game of "pounce" at Rachel's request which was just plain fun and what we do.  Playing games has always been a constant activity that helps to make Chuck's family and my family one family.

I am finding purpose and meaning working at Gender Road Christian Church.  I have the time to work ahead on sermons, lead small groups and be present with people.  It is just beginning, but it is feeling increasingly comfortable and where I am supposed to be.

I am now a supervisor for the Wellstreams program and in relationship with a director in training.  We met for our first "triad" yesterday and I enjoyed the whole process.  Learning spiritual direction is a mysterious endeavor and it requires everyone to be open and vulnerable.  Most of all it is truly "awesome" as we pay attention to the work of the spirit.  I feel blessed to be part of this work and this community.

Finally Monday I led a book group in starting a study of Mark Nepo's The One Life We're Given.  At the end of our discussion of the book, we did an exercise where we each spent time with an item from nature.  Just looking, meditating, reflecting on it to see what it had to say to us.  I had selected a seashell and found myself seeing the miracle of it all - how it was a place of life at one time, how it traveled to Columbus Ohio, how beautiful it was.  And I listened to each person sharing what they learned from their item and  continue to ponder how much there is to appreciate in every aspect of creation.  We mostly walk around not seeing the majesty, mystery and miracles that surround us.

So, I write this in gratitude for all of it - the hard times and the fun times, the sadness and the joy, the emptiness and the fullness.  It is mystery.  Here is a blessing from Maxine Shonk.

May the God of MYSTERY be with you.
May you embrace all that is unexp[lained and unclear in your life.
In that embrace may the God of Mystery reveal your true self.
May you trust the answer as you live into the questions of your life and may god
whose ways are far above your own,
bless you with an abiding presence to mystery.
May the God of MYSTERY bless you. 

`Befriending tension: The way of Henri Nouwen

I write this from Phoenix where I am enjoying my last day with Susan.  I go home tomorrow.,

This weekend we attended a retreat at the Franciscan Renewal Center on befriending tension.  Wil Hernandez, the leader, has written several books on Henri Nouwen and was a really knowledgeable resource for us.

The thesis of the retreat is that we live with tension as part of being human.  We spent Saturday morning wrestling with and reflecting on the tensions that are inward, outward and upward (Godward.)

The inward tension is between our true and false self, our self owning and self giving and our woundedness and healing.  He said that we have  a multiplicity of false selves.  I was struck by this quote: " the brighter the persona, the darker the shadow."  The question is: what is the true self and he was - "A valued, valuing, valuable human made in the image of God."  And he said" only when you know yourself as unconditionally love - that is fully received by God  - can you give gratuitously."
All of which is easy to say and write, but the truth is that if you scratch any one of us, we are usually dealing with our shadow issues of self rejection or self loathing.  And Jesus came - not for the healthy but those who need the doctor - which is the love of God.  Nouwen wrote that "the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain but a step toward it.  "

The second tension we wrestled with was the outward - between solitude and community, compassion and confrontation and presence and absence.  We all live in tension between wanting to be with others and alone  - we lean in one direction or the other.
"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community
Let him who cannot be in community beware of solitude"  Bonhoeffer

Similarly there is a tension between being compassionate and knowing that there is a time to confront others.  And sometimes the confronter does so without compassion.  I learned this term: "Carefronting"  Confronting others with a loving spirit.  Yes, it is a tension knowing when and how.

Finally we have to learn that there are times we are called to the "ministry of absence."  He called it a "creative withdrawal"  where we leave so that the spirit can come.  As a pastor, Nouwen taught me that sometimes the pastor needs to be absent so that the person can have their own encounter with God.  Our compulsive presence (over working) is not always the best thing.  And sometimes in relationships, I have learned that  sometimes I have nothing to offer the other person and I need to get out and allow someone else or just God's healing presence to do what it needs to do.

This is just a brief explanation for the many insights of the weekend and I know that i have much more to ponder and wrestle with.
The last day, he spoke about "befriending" the tension with three guideposts:

1. Learning to subscribe to a "both and" modality.  Learning somehow that there is only one reality and "All is One".  Richard Rohr has written much about the "unitive consciousness" and the fact that "Everything Belongs."
2. Moving closer to the center.  A centered life is one where I realize my solidarity with all human beings.  We have this penchant for division and rejection of self and others.  Somehow, developing a contemplative God centered life helps in this.
3. working toward integration.  This means promoting inclusion over exclusion.  He said "The real essence of inclusivity is to live with the heart of God and together with all people."  For me, the realization was that contemplative practices can help keep me grounded.

We prayer morning and evening and it was very meaningful to me.  I could almost feel these practices open me up.  We sat in silence with these familiar words - "Be still and know that I am God."  I heard them in a new way as the emphasis came to be - not on BE STILL - but the I am God.

God is more than I can imagine and I was reminded that God is always "prevenient" - meaning initiating healing invitations to each and all.


What was most helpful for me this weekend was the realization that we ALL live in tension and that balance is a good idea but only rarely achieved for finite human beings.  Instead, there was  a deepening call to rest in God and rely on God and trust in God as I continue to seek to follow the way of Jesus.

I will end this post with an opening prayer from the retreat that helped me remember who God is:

Ascribe  to the Lord, o mighty ones
Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name
worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.

Soul Stories

Yesterday I went to my "Geography of Grace" group and we spent time reflecting on the "Desert Times" in our lives.  The reading on it started with this quote from Robert Frost

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
between stars - on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

I wrote and talked about the desert of retirement and the confusion of the changes as it involved my ego.  And who am I now that I am not a leader?  And always the question is - who am I anyway?

Then we learned about the difference between Ego Stories and Soul Stories.
I want to write it here so that I have a record. it was so helpful.

Ego stories are
 - stores told for the sake of self promotion, as when we apply for a job
 - focus on life's high spots when we have been successful and affirmed
 - try to portray us as in control or in charge of our lives
 - are often linear stories of continuity and consistency, stories that have a resolution
 - are highly crafted stories that leave out important things; may ignore or falsify certain information by "spinning" the facts
- are always told in prose, and sometimes involve numbers
 - are stories that do not sustain us in times of suffering
- are stories we tell at a party when someone asks "what do you do?"
"Produce! Get results! Make Money!  Make Friends!  Make changes! Or you will die of despair!  Chuang Tzu

Soul Stores are
 - "the story beneath the ego story" the one with the thread of truth running through it
- honor shadow as well as light, suffering as well as gladness
 - are often storeis of twists and turns when our best laid plans were undone by the unexpected
- allow us to integrate the fragments with the whole
- are unafraid of change, fear, loss, failure, and shame, or mystery, passion, and ecstasy
- are sometimes told in poetry, music, or art
- are stories that we can hold onto in the hardest of times
- are stories we want the people we love most to know, ones we are most likely to be reliving when we are awake at 3 am or when we die

"joy and sorrow aren't two different feelings for it (soul). It (soul) attends to us only when the two are joined."  - Wislawa Szymbarska

So - then we wrote a story two ways - as an ego story and as a soul story.  My story was about the death of Chuck and I could not even finish it.  In the ego story I was in control, making good decisions and almost heroic. But the soul story was full of confusion and anxiety and sadness.

The whole exercise was profound and enlightening.  What I realize is that as I am back in church work, it is easy to get caught up in ego stories. And the truth is that we all bounce around in between ego and soul. What I know to be true is that coming back into ministry at Gender Road feels very different as I am in a subordinate  position. It is easier to let go of the ego stories and attend to the  soul.

New begnnings

 Which involves a new church for me - Gender Road Christian Church.  I will be working there part time for a while.  They have had two disappointing tries at securing an associate and I am going to help out the senior pastor for awhile as they regroup and eventually try again.

I went to church on Sunday and discovered that I am listed on the bulletin as the "Minister of Engagement" which I kind of like.  I am going to be working 10 hours a week and preaching once a month.  I am also going to start a six week "Grief Group" - actually two - that meet bi weekly with one in the afternoon and one in the evening.  And after that, we will see how I will serve the church. 
I am both excited and anxious about this new call for a season.

What I keep learning is that everything I do is essentially "for a season" so that there are always beginnings and endings.  Another beginning for me is to live into my new role as Supervisor in the Wellstreams program.  In two weeks I will meet with the woman who I will be supervising.  She is learning how to be a spiritual director and I will be supporting her for the next two years.  It is both daunting and exciting for me to consider my role in her spiritual journey.  I look forward to this new relationship and this new season for me.

Last weekend I taught two boundary training workshops in Akron for a total of 26 people.  When I do boundary training I am always very aware of the ways I have crossed boundaries over the years in my ministry and if I had known then what I know now  I would have made some different decisions in the daily life of my time as pastor.  But I think it was Maya Angelou who said - "When you know better, you do better."  And that in essence means that life is optimally a continual time of new beginnings.  Because  - looking back - there are so many times I have not known what exactly I was doing.  Anxiety, self centeredness, blind spots, and ignorance can lead to all kinds of boundary violations.   But learning means new behavior and new attitudes and doing better.  A new beginning.

So, here I am starting over again - with a new church to serve and new ways to be a spiritual guide. 
And always aware of the grief I carry for the loss of Chuck and the mistakes of the past.
May I be open to God's leading and trust that all will be well.
Here's a blessing by Maxine Shonk

May the God of BEGINNING AGAIN be with you.
May that God hold you near as you grieve what is past and move with faith into what is to be.
May the hand of God carry you across the darkness of loss into light.
May your courage and your trust become for those around you a living witness to the mystery of death and rising.
May the God of BEGINNING AGAIN bless you.