I have Energy

I have energy and it is a great gift.  It comes from the fact that I have a lung infection - or maybe cancer nodules in my lung - (see living in "I don't know") but it is a gift nonetheless.

I am now taking Prednisone for 32 days, , skipping chemo this week,  and then I will have another CT scan (the first one showed these unknown nodules in the lung) and I find out what the next steps on this journey are going to be.  Perhaps a clinical trial.  Who knows?

Meanwhile I have an enormous blessing because of this medication - energy.  For the first time in about 15 months I am not waking up tired.  I do not feel sleepy during the day and when I have pickleball I can focus and play for the entire two hours.  In short I feel like myself again.  And I savor that.

Savoring is something that I do a lot of these days.  I find that I am eating much slower and savoring every bite of food.  I can spend an hour just sitting and looking the sky, the trees, the reservoir and the birds and savor the view.  I appreciate what I imagine is going to be merely a  respite once  I get back to the grind of chemo and whatever new side effects show up - but I am so grateful to be alive.

Here is a poem by Mary Oliver that speaks to me today:

Worried

Mary Oliver

I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers

flow in the right direction, will the earth turn

as it was taught, and if not how shall

I correct it?

Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,

can I do better?

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows

can do it and I am, well,

hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,

am I going to get rheumatism,

lockjaw, dementia?

Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.

And gave it up. And took my old body

and went out into the morning,

and sang.