Holy Saturday

Silent Saturday.  I am here with my dog at my feet.  I am here.

Yesterday was OK.  I did some spiritual direction, read to Maggie, saw Audrey who delivered groceries, received a gift of 7 pounds of cheddar cheese for my birthday from John Lindamood - much of which will be given away.  But wonderful!

I watched our church's Good Friday stations of the cross service on my phone at 7 PM.  It was so powerful, I could not believe it.  I think it s was because I saw it in isolation - alone.  And was able to really feel every part of it.

It was fairly simple - reading scripture, showing a picture, a little reflection.  And I sat there with tears streaming down my face.  Between doing these Bible studies where we examined in detail the betrayal, denial, arrest, crucifixion, and enduring these weeks of solitude, and being alone to really not worry about what anybody around me is thinking about my reaction, I found it profoundly moving.  Here is what I wrote afterward:

I see Jesus going into the darkness of violence, political and religious machinations, the fickleness and the superficiality of the crowd
to his death - suffering, mocked, rejected, alone
And trusting YOU God.  As I do today

With tears and more tears.
It hurts to think of Chuck's death still.
It hurts to think of  my failures as a leader.
It hurts to think of my fear about an empty future and a declining body and mind

I come to the abyss to be with you Jesus
I sit with the women and accept the sacrifice, the unfairness and the pain.
And stand with you.
loving you, Trusting God
it is good Friday

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At Bible study on Thursday I ended our session by saying that we live in a culture that dismisses suffering - ignoring, avoiding, numbing.  As Christians our comfort  - when we have the courage to face and experience the necessary suffering to this impermanent life - is the awareness that Jesus is with us.  We are not alone.

It seems to me that these three days - Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday are the times in which we are being called to do what the disciples did not do.  Stand with Jesus, witness, companion in his suffering.

I have never expressed that or known that as much as I do right now.  It is hard but it is holy.