Life goes on

I guess.  As we grieve and try to take the next steps.

Today was a back to normal day as I start to make the transition to life without Chuck.  There are things I cannot do yet - like the walker remains in the living room as a mute testimony to his last days with us.  But I started to clean out the closet and the drawers in the bedroom.  It gives me peace to fold his T shirts in a pile and his sweaters in a box.  I collect suspenders with the idea of giving them away to the males of the family before the service.  I am up to 12 sets.  I find 5 binoculars in the closet and candy and an ugly dog toy.  I am doing something.

Later I have lunch with Seth (always called "Steth" by Chuck) and share my stories of Chuck and listen to the latest drama in his life.  It is good to be distracted.  . And then the trip to the funeral home.

Kacey and Alyse meet me there and we make decisions together.  We are doing everything at the church and there will be no plot for his ashes.  He never wanted one and there is something about putting him in the ground that is so limiting.  I have a vague idea of several trips to take ashes to various bodies of water - Lake Erie, Lake Nippising in Canada and the Atlantic Ocean.  There was an option to buy some jewelry and place his ashes in it to wear which we all rejected.  Later Alyse told her Mom she might like a necklace to put on the wall.  Who knew?

We decided to purchase programs and a video and a candle.  We selected a poem to put in the program that was about a clock.  Later Alyse walked around the house and counted 26 clocks!  We now have to come up with 40 pictures for the video and write an obituary and find a picture for the program.  We have lots of time - a week to do so and I feel like I can breathe.  As always grateful for having someone with me who can hear and guide and make jokes along the way.

Then Kacey and Alyse came home with me and we played games.  Marnie showed up with a ham, Audrey woke up and all was good.  Friends are calling to check in and chat.  I am good for about 10 minutes.

Finally they leave, Audrey goes to work and I know I am tired to the bone.  I go to sleep at 10 and the dog wakes me at 3:30.  Back to sleep and then a dream about Chuck. I am in the living room and I hear Audrey yelling at him in the family room (yelling to be heard - ) and then I come to the doorway of the kitchen and hold him.  He is there and I am happy.  Suddenly he turns into a 12 year boy with dark hair.  I know it is him and  I also know that he will not remain.  Then  there is a movement and I am holding a baby that is him.  And then I wake up.

So,  I sit here in wonder and confusion at this strange dream.  I see Loretta, my spiritual director, on Friday and may speak to her about that.  Or just savor it and wonder.

No  we are three days past his death and a new day is here.  I know this much will happen today:  I will go to the funeral home and identify his body at 9 AM.  The final look at him on earth.  I could have given them a picture, but I want to do it.  Maybe Audrey will be with me.

The rest of the day will bring lunch with jiom and Holly and dinner with Sherie and her dad John, one of Chuck's best friends.  There will be tears for sure.

Life goes on.  I face it,  I cry, I make plans.  I live.