Choosing Death

As I started to write this morning I was struck by the title of my last post - "savoring life" which is the opposite of what I have been thinking about this morning.  Suicide has been on my mind in the wake of two high profile suicides this week - Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade.

I found myself thinking about the death of a young woman I knew forty years ago.  She was - like me - the mother of a toddler and we attended the same church.  Occasionally we got together for play dates for her daughter Anna and my Kacey.  I knew that she was separated from her husband and living with her mother.  Her husband was in Oregon and we were in New Jersey.

I was startled one Sunday to go to worship and learn that she had died.  The next day I found out that  two nights before she had taken a shower, put on a clean night gown and then used the rope from her daughter's swing to hang herself.  I remember calling our minister as I tried to make sense of it.  I began to learn a little bit about depression.  For months she had been "frozen" and recently had thought about trying to reconcile with her husband againt her mother's wishes. Perhaps her hopelessness was feeling trapped in wanting to leave and not being able to. But really, for me, depression is as much of a mystery now as it was then forty years ago.

I remember wondering if maybe I had checked in with her that week - would that have made a difference? Maybe for a moment it might have.  Again, depression is the mystery and we are left to carry on.  My role in her life was very peripheral and yet I remember it all very well.

Gloria Vanderbilt and Anderson Cooper wrote a book together The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss.  in which they  they shared their correspondence with each other.  She has been through not only the death of her husband but being present for the suicide of her son.  Here is a quote from the book:

“Does one ever know what another person is really like, even someone very close to us? Do we know what we are like ourselves? What we are today may not be what we are tomorrow."

This book captured so well the essential mystery of being human and in relationship with others who we love deeply who may or may not realize or receive it. I have learned that suicides sometimes happen because there is a moment of despair and the person quickly decides to "just do it." Jump off a building or shoot themselves.  The only funeral I ever did for a suicide was for a 13 year old who waited until his mother left to get a bagel and shot himself.  The first sentence in my memorial address was a quote from The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck:  “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.

I read an article this morning written by a journalist remembering her father's suicide which happened 20 years ago.  She describes literally cleaning up the kitchen after he shot himself.  While depressed people may think their life is of no worth, the truth is that they leave a hole and a great big mess behind for their family and friends.  I've always said that suicide is taking your pain and throwing it into the world - almost like buckshot - landing in places and with people that you cannot imagine.  So today the Psychiatrists are on TV as people around the country and around the world wrestling with these public suicides that stir our memories and bring up pain that has been buried.

I reflect this morning and wonder what difference it makes that I am a follower of Jesus Christ.  Surely I know that "Life is hard, but God is Good."   I also know that being human - with or without faith - is a struggle for all people.  How do we sort through our times of failure and foolishness and loss and grief. And then there is the great mystery of our different genes, personalities, addictions. wiring.  so that the whole idea of "choice" - choosing life or death - is easier to talk about than to do.  Our labels and slogans like - "just say no" to a drug addict or "push yourself away from the table" to me are inadequate.

And then there is the great mystery of mental illness which forces us to acknowledge our limitations of understanding and controlling those that we love.  It is a mystery to me, anyway.

So, what difference does it make to be a follower of Jesus.  I think it is three things.  First, the awareness that God IS Love and that God is with us.  And nothing can separate us from the love of God.
" ⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  

Nothing can separate us - not death or life - not even suicide.  Love wins no matter what.

Second,  the call that God puts on our heart to love each other.  And the awareness that what love looks like is often listening.  We are people who are hungry to be heard by another living human being and our listening can bring a connection that could save a life.  I believe that.

Finally it is about living consciously and  maing e a choose for life - which is to choose to do whatever we need to do to receive the love that God is offering.  For me, it is helpful to have a time of reflection, and to be part of communities that celebrate and express God's presence and to walk in nature and to do acts of service for others.  There   are lots of ways we choose life - just like there are lots of ways to choose death - like our numbing and destructive and negative paths.  We all have our own thing.

I am participating in a Retreat for Busy People for the next two weeks and here is a prayer that I received Wednesday written by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho.  It is a wonderful expression of awareness of choosing life.

                                                        Don't Struggle and Strive so,.....

Don’t struggle and strive so, my child.
There is no race to complete, no point to prove, no obstacle course to conquer for
you to win my love.
I have already given it to you.
I loved you before creation drew its first breath.
I dreamed you as I molded Adam from the mud.
I saw you wet from the womb. I loved you then.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Stop racing ahead at your own pace; you will only be exhausted, flamed out and spent before the task is accomplished.
Pace yourself with me, walk alongside me.

Do you think I don’t know the demands of your life?
I see you striving for perfection, craving acceptance.
I see you bending yourself out of shape to conform to the image that you have of…
Do you imagine that I did not know who you were when I made you, when I knit you together in your mother’s womb?
Do you think I planted you as a fig tree and expected you to bloom roses?
No child, I sowed what I wanted to reap.

You are a child after my own heart.
Seek out your deepest joy and you will find me there.
Find that which makes you perfectly yourself and know that I am at the
heart of it.
Do what delights you and you will be working with me, walking with me,
finding your life in me.

My precious child, I will call you to account for nothing more than I have asked of you. Just be faithful to the task I have set before you.
Whether you succeed or not is no matter to me.
Live as you hear me speak in you.
Live in the truth you learn from me, then it won’t matter how the road may turn.
The goodness you live will set you free.

May you recognize in your life the presence,
power and light of your soul.

May you have respect for your individuality and difference.

May you realize that the shape of your soul is unique,
that you have a special destiny here.

May you not disrespect your mystery through brittle words of false belonging.

May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams.

May the expectation in others eyes never decide how you are to be.

May you be blessed with good friends and learn to be a good friend yourself.

May you have friends who can see you.

Take time to celebrate the quiet miracles that seek no attention.

Respond to the call of your gift and have courage to follow its path.

May your outer dignity mirror the inner dignity of your soul.

May anxiety never linger about you.

May you have the courage to speak for the excluded ones.

May you learn to see yourself
with the same delight,
pride
and expectation
with which God sees you in every moment.

 

Savoring Life

My mornings on the back porch are a blessing in my life.  Today I sat and read about and experienced what it is to "Savor" my life.  I am reading through Wisdom of the Body by Christine Valters Paintner and she writes this:

The root of the word savor comes from the Latin word saporem which means  "to taste" and is also the root of sapient, which is the word for "wisdom."  Another definition I love is "to give oneself over to teh enjoyment of something."  When I give myself over to the experience of saviring, wisdom emerges.  Savoring calls for a kind of surrender.

I have been been busy with preparing for and leading Grandparents Camp and then having Chuck's daughter Lisa visit.  When I don't get enough time to reflect and savor the myriad activities of my days, I know I am missing something important.

Christine writes:  Savoring calls me to slowness: I can't savor quickly
                             Savoring calls me to spaciousness: I can't savor everything at once
                             Savoring calls me to mindfulness:  I can't savor without being fully present.

So I savor the enormous blessing of Grandparents Camp and watching the interaction of 35 children with their grandparents as Mary Jo, Marsha and I plan 23 busy hours of Bible stories, crafts, games and fun.  I was so tired afterward and it is only in reflecting that I can remember and recognize the beauty, joy, companionship and awe of this time together.

And I savor the gift of a visit from Lisa as I watch us continue to  become closer  as I age and my daughters and Chuck's daughter claim their connection in a deeper way.  We do what we do - play games, eat way too much and talk into the night.  We share a love of Chuck and each other and our history together which goes back decades now.  We are family.

And I savor the gift of my home and garden as I sit and look at my back yard.  Yesterday Audrey, Chuck and I did yard work together as we mowed grass, planted flowers, trimmed bushes.  Last night we sat around the firepit and enjoyed both conversation and the warmth of the fire  and each other's presence.  I savor it all.

And this really is just a few of the aspects of life that I savor.  There are times I just look at the pictures in my cell phone and savor the blessing of friends, vacations, children, grandchildren. Life has struggles and changes for sure but it is  also  full of goodness and enchantment. I confess that too often I don't take the time to savor the sweetness and wonder of it all.

My prayer for today is that I might savor - not only in reflection - but also in the moment. Often a brief moment.  Here is a reading from the book by Caroline Moore.

In this brief moment

I watch your hands
break the bread

and I am thankful

In this brief moment

I am one with the whole world

Plenty...or empty

In this brief moment
Mind and body savour
Life
in all its fullness

Memorial Day

As I get older, Memorial Day seems to weigh heavier on me.  It used to be a day off, a day for sales and picnics and parades.  But now I find myself reflecting on the meaning of the day and the underlying pain of remembering.

Yesterday as we approached First Community Church there was a display of flags which I told a companion looked beautiful on this sunny day. 

In the bulletin of the church was this description:
"It is a remembrance of those service members and veterans who perished due to invisible wounds related to their military service.  The phrase for these casualties is "22 a Day" which speaks to the number of military veterans who are taking their lives every day.  This display of 44 flags with the story of 44 lost warriors represents one weekend (2 days) of "The Silent Fallen" lives lost due to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and other silent killers."

This was a sobering reminder of the reality that the sacrifice of serving in the military is more than just the "time served."  It may affect the rest of your life and, of course, those whom you love and live with.  The sacrifice is beyond words.

And so on this memorial day, I am in prayer pondering the challenge of living in a world in which war is continual and lives are always at risk and the wounding can go on forever.  We honor those men and women who have sacrificed in ways that many of us never will and pray that somehow we can try to seek peace, to negotiate, to reconcile, to build bridges. 

There was a quotation in the church bulletin yesterday by Henri Nouwen that I share today:

Did I offer peace today?  Did I bring a smile to someone's face?

Did I say words of healing?  Did I let go of my anger and resentment?

Did I forgive?  Did I love?

These are the real questions.

I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now

will bear many fruits, nere in this world and the life to come.

Living Faith

Thursday morning I went to the "Living Faith Awards" which was, as always,  inspiring.  This is an event  which recognized the faithful lives of ten very disparate people.  Some were leaders who started ministries and others were faithful volunteers who for years did things like bring dogs to nursing homes and serve meals to the homeless.  Everyone was genuinely humbled to get recognition for what they were doing.

Here are some quotes from some of the recipients:
John Cantrell, who has volunteers for 30 years at the Buckeye Ranch, quoted Dorothy Day  "Each of us are part of the mystical body."
"When one suffers, all suffer"
Butch Zurbriggen, founder of the "Under the stars" ministry to the homeless: "Service to others is the rent you pay"
Jamie Hobson, who cares for people and animals at Ohio Living Westminster-Thurber community spoke about a mid life change of "turning my attention from my self to other people."
Pat Gibboney, former executive director of the Spirituality Network talked about the "coincidences" of her life that led her into the service she did.

The keynote was Lama Kathy Wesley who is a Buddhist teacher.  Her talk was such a great beginning.   She spoke about the "Awakened Soul" of Buddhism.  Interestingly, the Spirituality Network has a new vision statement: "Awakened Lives Transforming the World."  It all fits together.

She explained in simple language the 4 noble truths of Buddhism
1. Suffering is part of life
2. Suffering has a cause
3. Suffering has a solution
4. There is a path forward

That first statement is so important because we live in a culture that wants us to do everything we can to avoid suffering.  The cause of suffering is clinging.  I continue to ponder all of the forms of clinging that we do - besides clinging to people and our material stuff. We cling to our notions of fairness, we cling to our "happily ever after" mentality,   we cling to the hope that our children can go through life without any failures or disappointments.

And the solution?  It is letting go.  Letting go of our desire to be in control, to have things make sense on our terms and letting go of our egos.  She said ultimately, it is letting go of our selfishness.  Both the idea of clinging and letting go is a lifetime worth of understanding and work.

And the path forward then is mindfulness, love and service to others.  This is a great definition of "Living Faith." She talked about a path of small decisions guided by an interior principle that we might be guided by our "indwelling goodness."  The language I would use is "holy spirit"  It is all the same thing as we struggle to live our lives as free, peaceful and authentic human beings.
It is about living with discipline, generosity, ethical behavior and patience.

After her keynote we had ten examples of the way ordinary human beings were allowing God to guide them into acts of service for others. It was inspiring and I am grateful to have been present.

Interestingly she began with a quote from the 8th century Shantideva::
  "Behold the utter frailness of goodness.  The power of good is always weak and the power of evil is vast and terrible."

What I have learned is that Buddhism believes  - not in the power of positive thinking - but the way of life.  Living in a commitment to goodness.
In their  blog " No Zen in the West"  Jiryu Mark and Hondo Dave write:

So what does Shantideva say, what is his point?  How do we live and act in such a world of vast and terrible evil, atop such a frail goodness?  By vow, that’s all.  We abide in a vow to live for the sake of the awakening and well-being of all sentient being

And so, I start this Saturday morning with Buddhist wisdom which completely affirms my Christian faith - we are called by God to receive and give the love of Jesus into this world.  May it be so.

Ending with a prayer by Maxine Shonk

May the God of SERVICE be with you.

May God minister to you in your vulnerability.

May you know God's giving presence in your powerlessness and in your humanity.

May you serve the needs of all those whose path of struggle and need crosses your own.

And may they know the healing touch of God through your service and presence.

May the God of SERVICE be with you.

Amen

The Gospel of Hope

This is the title of a new book by Walter Brueggemann I found in the library yesterday.  It seems to be a compilation of sentences and paragraphs from previous books and sermons.  I began today with the first chapter and wrote down some of what spoke to me.  (since I guess I can't underline in a library book!)  I could spend time reflecting on every one of these statements. 

 - To be weaned away from the stuff that only makes you more hungry

 - We signed on for the Jesus story of abundance

 - four great verbs - He TOOK, He BLESSED, He BROKE, He GAVE

 - Scarcity is a lie

 - Commodity thinking versus covenantal thinking

 - Do not forget when you are full
          Being full causes amnesia
           Being comfortable causes indifference
           Being secure makes us unresponsive

 - The Drama of Abundance in which creation bears fruit in extravagance

 - Communion is not about sin and salvation but God the creator who moved directly against anxiety to overwhelm us with reliable abundance.

This is a good way to start the day.  Sitting on my back porch literally surrounded by signs of life and new life.  Green and lush. 

I start this ordinary day of abundance knowing that I will have more than enough to eat and drink and will encounter people who love me and who I love.  Of course there are some areas of struggle and confusion but even there - God is present and working and bringing healing and new life.  I love the phrase RELIABLE ABUNDANCE.  We can count on it.

Here is a blessing to start the day 
May the God of HOPE be with you,
inspiring, calling, inviting you to drean and to believe in possibilities.
May you trust the dream that is forming in you and may your uplifted face and courageous spirit inspire others who have lost hope.
May the blessing of HOPE be with you.

Maxine Shonkn.

Viriditas

This is a word I learned recently reading Wisdom of the Body and found myself  greatly enamored of it.  Viriditas is one of the fundamental principles of Hidegard's worldview and it means "the greening power of God.....a life force that we can witness in forests, gardens, and farmland."  I witness it in my backyard as I sit on the couch in the porch and marvel at the lush green of grass, trees, hostas, that surround me.  It is "Viriditas."

I referenced this word in a sermon in Bowling Green Ohio on Mother's Day.  I decided to preach - for the first time on Mother's day - on Mother Mary as an archetype for us all.  In it I talked about the invitation that God has for her to give birth - which is "Viriditas" or participating in bringing life into this world.  Mary for us represents not only the invitation that God offers but also the response we might make - which is YES.   This is part of the sermon:

I learned a new word this week – “Viriditas” – the greening power of God.  We see it around us this time of year – the creating and recreating spring flowers and trees and shrubs. 

And it is just a metaphor for the ongoing new life that God has for you and for me.  That is what God does always – brings life and grows us to become like God – in two ways – our compassion and our creativity.

Mary is an archetype for the unlikely people through whom God can bring new life.  And Mary – whether you are male female – resides within us.

She is the voice of YES when the invitation comes.

Yes I will trust what I do not understand

Yes I will allow myself to be changed inside out

Yes I will place myself in a situation where I may be misunderstood by others

Yes I will trust God even though I feel very vulnerable in this moment

Yes I will bring life into this world.

Yes I will choose love

As I sit on my porch pondering this, my eyes fall on a new angel I was given that Sunday.  As I arrived at the church, a woman I did not recognize asked if she could have a few words with me.  Of course, I said and led her into the office that had been mine for the thirteen years I served as pastor there.  Her name is Glenna and she is the sister of Virginia, a former member of the church who had passed away a year ago.  Virginia, suffering from cancer, gave Glenna a list of twenty names of people who to whom she wanted to give a gift.  My  name was on the list and Glenna had learned that I was preaching on Mother's Day.  So, she explained how she and Virginia had enjoyed traveling and shopping together and especially appreciate "Jim Shore" and his figurines.  They each acquired over the years quite a collection.  She presented me with two angels and said that her experience had been that one of them would speak to me.  They each were labeled and when I saw this one, I knew it was the one.

On the bottom of it are these words: "New Beginnings."  So, as I prepared to speak that Sunday about the angel coming to Mary to invite her to give birth, I brought with me to the pulpit this angel.  And, in my mind it all connects - viriditas, birth, new beginnings and God's invitation.   It is all about being open to see the angels and hear the voices inviting us to new life.

Here is how I ended the sermon on Mother's day

For a New Beginning
by John O’Donohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.