Mother's Day Blessings

Today was Mothers Day and it has been a good one.  When I was preaching, I always found the day to be tricky because there is often pain associated with this day.  The pain of a mother who has died, or a child who has died, or a mother who was absent, or the inability to be a mother.  There are so many hidden pains in a congregation regarding this day.

But THIS mother's day I only had to be ME and receive all the blessings of this weekend.

There was the blessing of being Audrey's mother.  Audrey, like me, is an ordained minister and she had a preaching gig today and sent me her sermon to look over on Saturday.  I love that I get to do this and I love that her sermons are SO GOOD.  Proud Mama here.

There is the blessing of being Marnie's Mom.    I had a beautiful lunch at her house today and got to play with the baby, joke with the big girls and receive cards and wine and a chocolate chip cookie cake.  This family knows me!

There is the blessing of being Kacey's Mom.  She called me last night to say that Jackson was going to the Emergency room at Children's Hospital following a seizure at a race.  "Do you want me to come?"  "Yes."  And just that is a blessing.  I get to (with the other grandparents) be loving support for a young family in a very scary time.  The good news is that he did come home last night and they will get some tests and maybe we will find out about why this very active little boy has had three seizures in 3 years.

To be a mother is to learn about love and limits and humility and love.   It is to be so proud of your children and so concerned for them.  It is to share history and humor and heartbreak and happiness.
It is the very best part of my life.

And so, happy mother's day to me.

David Letterman

is leaving soon and I will miss him.

I don't watch every night but whenever I do I like him and I always have.  For me he was the successor to Johnny Carson who I link to my growing up years and my parents. My dad was very funny and people compared him to Johnny Carson. And watching Johnny was what we did.  I remember waiting until after his monologue on September 17th 1973 before Chris Connor and I went to the hospital to have our first baby.  I am telling you, Johnny Carson and David Letterman were both important to me.

I have this thing about comedians anyway. I learn from them in watching them about timing and presence as a speaker myself.  Strangely, even more than watching them - I like to read about them and learn about their process.  I have read lots of books - (recent favorite were Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's), listen to podcasts (Kevin Pollek, Marc Maron, Aisha Taylor),  and like "Comedians in Cars with Coffee" alot.  Yesterday I watched a new documentary by Kevin Pollek called Comedy Loves Misery.  It was essentially interviews with a slew of comedians about their life and their art.

What struck me is that some of them mentioned how thrilling it is (like a drug) to be in control of an audience.  Others emphasized connecting to the audience.  Some talked about the "disease" of "Look at me" -- wanting attention and to be seen.  Others talked about becoming authentic and speaking their truth about life.

All of it makes me think about some of the reading I have been doing with this book on Centering Prayer by Cynthia Bourgeault. I read the chapter on "Divine Therapy" and it expressed an understanding of our wounded egos that I found to be helpful. She writes that woundings come in the areas of security/survival, esteem/affection, and power/control. And when our egos are wounded we lack self esteem and we are overly defended.  And yesterday watching the documentary so many men and women spoke about how tough this life was but that in maturity they were able to accept and get past the many time of failure and find their own voice.  And the big question is: how do we get to that place of maturity?

I listened to a podcast of David Letterman recently and he talked about how different he was after his heart surgery and how much more able to relax and enjoy his life and stop needing to be in control and have his self esteem rise and fall with every show.

All of which brings me back to my life and the spiritual emphasis of it.  My experience continues to be that something happens to us in prayer and in our faith walk  that enables that wisdom, maturity, perspective to happen so that we can find not only peace in our lives but connections with each other and the universe.  That is what can heal our wounded egos so that we can live our lives as a blessing to each other and not as a competitor.

I believe that people are called to be comedians as well as ministers and teachers and other vocations. And these people - especially when they are spiritually and emotionally healthy - can - not only make us laugh - but make us think about ourselves and the world in new and important ways.

And so I am grateful to Johnny Carson, David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and many others for their humor, wit and wisdom.

The Prayerful Life

Is powerful and exciting.

The readings of today include a wonderful verse from Isaiah 49: 5-6
"It is too light a thing that you should be my servant to raise up the tribes of Jacob and to restore the survivors of Israel: I will give you as a light to the nations, that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth."

What I hear in this and believe is that most of us think way too small about what God wants to do with us and with our lives.

Another reading of today is the story of Peter and Cornelius found in Acts 10: 1-34.  I LOVE this story because it shows how these two prayerful men are being guided by God to one another and in that encounter they are being changed.  Both of them.  And for me, one of the most telling details is that they are prayful.  Cornelius is described as a "devout man who feared God with all his household; he gave alms generously to the people and prayed constantly to God."   And Peter "went up to the roof to pray."

The point is our prayer habits are primary in allowing God to speak to us and use us as a "light to the nations."

I continue to read through Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening by Cynthia Bourgeault.  Chapter nine is title: "Divine Therapy" and it is about the healing power of our receptive stance in meditative prayer.  It is through opening ourselves to God by spending time with God that we are "consenting to the presence and action of God."  The image that I have for myself these days is that I am like Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus experiencing his love and listening for whatever I need to hear today.
Thomas Keating writes:

    "The level of deep rest accessed during the prayer period loosens up the hardpan around the emotional weeds stored in the unconscious, of which the body seems to be the warehouse.  The psyche begins to evacuate spontaneously the new space for self-knowledge, freedom of choice, and the discovery of the divine presence within.  As a consequence, a growing trust in God, a bonding with the Divine Therapist enables us to endure the process."

And Cynthia writes:  "what really happens when one enters the cloud of unknowing, resting in God beyond thoughts, words, and feelings, is a profound healing of the emotional wounds of a lifetime."

And so I read this story about Peter and Cornelius which ends in Peter changing his mind and his eating habits and opening himself to a God who shows no partiality.  I believe this kind of change is really huge and does not happen in a moment, but as a result of a the relationship with God and the times of prayer that came before.  He may be moving a step at a time- to use Richard Rohr's vernacular - from first half of life faith into second half of life faith. 

As I reflect on my life and these readings today I think that sometimes

our minds, spirits, souls can be like a pan with burnt on food from dinner.  And prayer is our soaking the pan in soapy water overnight.  So that when we come back to it again, the dirt and grime just wash away.

Interestingly, today is "National Day of Prayer" as we come before God as Americans and pray for God's guidance upon us.  When I was in Bowling Green I frequently participated in these ecumenical services that consisted of many different pastors praying to God.

But the prayer that changes me has not been those experiences.  Instead it has been dedicating time in silence and solitude to just sit and be open and present.  There is no question that over the years I would wonder what difference it makes.  At this point in my journey, I do so trusting that God is doing more than I ever know and that I can trust that.

I also believe that God has more for all of us to do as we allow his healing spirit to work within us   so that our light can really shine out of us.

I will not leave you orphaned

This is a quote from the Bible - John 14:18.  Jesus is preparing to leave this earth and he is telling his disciples that he goes to prepare a place for them but also that there will be this gift of the spirit.  And he will not leave them "orphaned."

I became an orphan in 2000 when my mother died.  My father had passed away in 1995 and then there were no more parents.  The greatest loss for me was that I no longer had someone to call to share the good news with - of grandbabies born or compliments given or other personal achievements. Like many of us, I would share some but not all of my struggles with my parents because I wasn't sure they could "take it."  But all of my successes and joys came to them because they shared in that completely. There is no question that I still miss them.  I wish my mother could see Jackson and Reagan play soccer and hold baby Maggie - the 5th Margaret in our line. I wish my Dad could fish or golf with Chuck and sit and laugh with  my girls and grandkids.  But I am an orphan.  Eventually, if we live long enough we will all be.

That idea just speaks to the reality of life that is full of change.  And to speak in cliches that are so true - Time is Marching on and I am not getting any younger and people come and go throughout my life. And the good news is there is a  constant presence.  It really helps to know and connect with our creator and recreator is also a "constant and abiding presence."  That connection with God or Jesus or spirit gives us peace this is not of this world.  And it does more than that.

I have thought about this recently as I contemplate my past.  Sunday  I traveled  to Bowling Green Ohio.  I lived there for 13 years, met and married Chuck there, had all 3 girls graduate from High School there and had a whole variety of experiences.  Some of which are very personal that I literally "ponder" in my heart when I remember them.  Also, through facebook, I have been in contact with some girls (now Grandmas!)  I grew up with in West Chester Pennsylvania and have been invited to a reunion in October with them.  I have not seen most of them for 50 years. My husband, kids and friends have no idea about any of this - this is my own singular history and memories to explore. 

And somehow this all makes me think about being "orphaned."  This life that can feel  isolated or random  or NOT. I believe that the spirit of God is very real and does bring PEACE in the midst of change and loss.  And it is even more.  I feel that the spirit leads us to people who can companion us on the journey of life as we go through change after change after change. And lead us to times and places of remembering, reflecting and re learning about God's activity in our lives throughout the years.  

I feel like I have rambled this morning, but really this is where I am often.  In awe as I get glimpses of the spirit at work in the past and the present.
I have not been orphaned but over the years:  protected and prodded and pushed by my heavenly father who gives me peace.

Wisdom from Above

I had one of those dreams this morning.
 I try to pay attention to my dreams and know that there is often wisdom in them.  This morning I woke myself up because my dream was so uncomfortable.  In our Wellstreams class, it was suggested that we write our dreams down and title them.  My title for today's would be: "Margot does not have enough."  That is a frequent idea in my dreams and actually in my own psyche.

In the dream I was preparing a lunch of chef salad for a group of women. 
At first I am very generous with the lettuce because I have more than enough.
 Then I realize that there are more women than I had expected.
 I had to set another place at the table.  Then I am scrambling with not enough food.
  I am trying to figure out who to ask to help - no one else seems to be aware that I don't have enough. Should I go to the store?  How can I do that?
 I look in the refrigerator hoping to find more salad fixings.
 I think I need to wake up from this dream and start over.

How about that?  I wake up and wonder what is the "salad"?  time, money or just me?  I don't have enough.
And I recognize that it is fundamentally true.  That if you scratch my surface you will always find the questions and the doubts within me - do I have enough? Am I enough? Will my lack be found out?  Am I adequate?

As I pondered the dream this morning, I thought - that is certainly why I am a woman of faith. The truth is that I often hit my limitations and find myself having to rely on a power beyond myself - which is God.  And God's strength and mercy and most of all God's grace.  

This morning I read another chapter in Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening and spent time with the texts of today especially James 3: 17-18:

But the wisdom from above is first pure, 

then peaceable,

 gentle, 

willing to yield,

 full of mercy and good fruits, 

without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.

 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace for those who make peace. 

The writer compares the wisdom from above with"envy and selfish ambition" which brings "disorder and wickedness of every kind."  Cynthia Bourgeault writes: "Our minds like to make ladders" which means there is a progression which separates people - some are better, farther along, more advanced, etc. And that is not the realm of God.  The wisdom from above comes for me from contemplation and spending time with God. It is seeing from a perspective of oneness  that we are all connected and in the presence of God.

So, I begin this day in prayer and surrender knowing my need of the Holy One.  And hoping that I am opening myself to the wisdom from above - which is not anxious, proud, arrogant, ambitious - but pure, peaceable, gentle and willing to yield.  As I seek God this morning I remember the wonderful quote by Meister Eckhart

"The eye with which you seek God is the eye with which God seeks you."

Here is my prayer today

O Holy One, Dear God

I come today in prayer and open myself to your presence.

May your wisdom fill me - heart, mind and soul.

So that I may walk in your ways as a woman of peace trusting that you are present and giving to me

in the midst of my fears of scarcity and inadequacy.

So that I may find and bring peace to every situation with your love and mercy.

Lord, the wisdom that comes from above is a gift a desire from you.

Amen.

 

¹

All you need is love

That song is flowing through me today.

 I just sat in my prayer room for a while writing, reading and meditating.  Thursday I went to the candle lab and Nicole treated me to a candle that I "designed."  I combined three scents: fresh linen, key lime and sea breeze.  This morning I lit it and the scents filled the room.  I looked around me and saw all kinds of signs of love in gifts from others.  There are memories for me in this room of so many occasions of my life that remind me of blessings throughout the years.  And I know now more than ever that LOVE is really the most important part of life.

Yesterday I went to Northwest Ohio and saw several people in my life.  I spent time with Rosalea, a former member of the church in Bowling Green who - a month after her husband's death - is living with both cancer and congestive heart failure.

       I took this "selfie" of the two of us that looks kind of cockeyed but I think she got a kick out of it

.Rosalea  has been a "doer" all of her life as teacher, mother, caretaker, super volunteer  and now all she can do is rest and receive the love that others want to give her.  And I think - like all of us - it is hard for her. 
There is always this part of us that wants to make sure we are worthy or can give back.  And of course, my faith tells me that none of us are really worthy - but all of us are loved and simply need to accept that.  I remember how hard all of this was for my mother and actually that is part of the challenge of retirement - receiving without "earning."  And of course, that is a definition of grace.
But what a gift it was for me to get to be with her so that in my presence she might know that I LOVE her and represent God who is love and loves her.  She is not alone.
 

Sunday afternoon I went to the baby shower for Brittany who is expecting a baby in 7 weeks.  She is Shane's wife and that baby girl, Blair, will be Chuck's first great grandchild. (mine too!)

There were 60 people there and I was not sure I wanted to make the drive - but so glad I did.  What I saw there was so much love expressed for this young couple in the presence of friends and family and some wonderful gifts that were given.  I watched Brittany being overwhelmed by this clear expression of love.  And again as  a new life begins I think it is so good to know that you are surrounded by LOVE.  You are not alone as you begin this daunting journey of parenthood.

And so as I begin this day I begin in expectation that love is being given to me in all kinds of forms.  I light my new candle and open myself to God whose nature is love.  And in that relationship I am breathing in LOVE that I can breathe out to a world that needs it.

Because all you need is LOVE

Walking the Race

I think this is my life - I am walking the race.  Not running - but walking, sometimes stumbling, meandering, but moving.  That is me.

It is easy for me to look at walking the race I walked yesterday - the Cap City Marathon and see the ways in which I keep learning about the bigger walk of my life - the journey of faith.

This was the third time I have walked the quarter marathon.  And it was probably the most fun.  Marnie and her sister Audrey had signed up to run the half marathon and life got in the way.  Audrey was unable to train for it and had to drop out.  So, Marnie invited me and Kim Veatch to join her Friday night at the Holiday Inn downtown.  And it was a wonderful beginning.  Eventually our group included Addie, Reagan and Erik that stayed together in two rooms.  We got downtown through terrible traffic on Friday and were able to enjoy a fun and leisurely dinner.  That evening Marnie, Kim,. Erik and I walked downtown and saw the set up for the race and the walked around the empty Commons.  It was so peaceful and really got me in the mood. 

What I keep learning is how much better my life is now that I have time to have breathing space between EVENTS in my life.  This year I did not have to rush down on Saturday morning and go to an engagement Saturday afternoon and be preparing a sermon for Sunday morning.  I feel like I have breathing space for the first time in my life and staying downtown ahead of time is just an example of that.

We only had to walk 4 blocks to the event itself and it is quite an event.  There were 14000 walkers and runners for this race and we were in corral J.  Kim and I waited in the throng for each of the groups to go.  It was noisy and full of announcements, music and people.  The energy of this race is just undescribable.  But finally we were off.

Kim and I keep much the same pace.  And we both said that we probably would not do this without a companion.  I know that finding someone who does not walk too slow or too fast is pretty wonderful. And it is certainly true for the spiritual walk - our companions can be so important to help us to keep moving.  One of the blessings for me with Kim was that she always saw my family (Erik, Reagan and Addie) cheering for us from the sidelines before I did.  And that too, is one of the gifts of spiritual friendships - one who sees what you do not see right away.

It is fun to see the other walkers in their attire and the signs of the cheering people along the way.  i took a picture of this T shirt because I felt like it expressed how it is for us walkers.  It says: "Looks like walking, feels like running."  Nobody knows that the individual is going through on their journey.

Finally, what will keep me coming back is not the cheering of the crowd but the inner satisfaction that I had because I DID IT!  I hadn't realized until I was halfway along how much I really want to be a 66 year old woman who keeps doing quarter marathons.  That is my identity when I do it!  I have an inner athlete who doesn't come out enough because I am too sedentary.  But this reminds me that the journey - both physical and spiritual - is not about what we think but about what we do.

So yesterday I was satisfied and tired and actually took a nap in the afternoon.  It is good.  All good.
This journey of life.