Living in Reality.

We had at least twelve inches of snow Saturday and so John and I have been spending these days at home waiting for the roads to clear.  It is 12 degrees out as I write this and so nothing is going to melt soon.  The plows are doing their job and we wait.

On Sunday night I suggested to him that we might try to shovel our walkway on Monday.  Monday morning he said NO.  He reminded me that I am wearing a heart monitor and I have cancer and he has some issues with his heart too and he has cancer.  He didn't mention that we were old.  But I had sort of forgotten that.  There is a part of me that thinks I am still 35  - just moving a little slower.  So we did not.

Today we had a dinner at Easton on our calendar with Kacey and Brett and Brett's partner in the Pellatonia to celebrate their rides and fundraising and to plan for the next one.  John drove to Costco yesterday - the parking lot was bone dry, he said.  And he assumed we would go. Kacey texted me and said it was up to us.  And then I thought about it - driving at night and ice.  Ice while driving and ice while walking and I said NO.  We have to live in reality as hard as it is at the time.  

I have learned that aging is a series of losses - losing people, losing energy,  and after retirement losing your identity.  Having cancer  is more losses. I am aware that my kids have changed roles with me in being caretakers at times.  Truly, like many people, I would rather be the caretaker than the one cared for.  I have also learned that acknowledging - not resisting - the changes makes life easier for everyone.   

So, living in reality is hard - it involves being brutally honest with yourself, taking the time to grieve (because it is all a loss!) and moving into the new reality.  The reality where God is still guiding and using  you to shine your light in a different way perhaps - but sometimes in a more powerful way. 

Life is hard.  God is good.  All the time. 

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Go to Church

(This is what I wrote for my Readers and Writers Group that meets monthly.  It is similar to my last post.)  

 

It is a new year and I always enter into the idea of newness and starting over and beginning again. I have my resolutions for this year:

1.      Read Daily

2.      Write Daily

3.      Play a game with John (or someone) every day

At the same time I have an awareness of the both the mystery of the unknown and the predictable routines of ordinary life.  It’s a new year and yet I am getting older and more forgetful and living with fatigue.  It’s a new year and yet I will still have chemo every three weeks, it’s a new year and I will still have my blood tested regularly and wait in suspense as the effectiveness of the chemo versus cancer will be revealed. These  mundane realities can certainly overshadow any thought about mystery and miracles and even joy.

But then what breaks the cycle of what I will call faux optimism is what happens to me at church.  I heard words in the opening prayer that stirred something in my soul:

Open us to a new awakening, a new beginning,

Where we look through the lens of the goodness of your creation,

Experiencing all possibilities in You

Turn us away from the negative lens and lead us to the light…”

And then I heard the sermon that broke me open.  Rev. Becky  spoke about how God is always communicating with us – not only in church but also in nature.  Not a new idea and certainly I could have preached it myself.  But this morning I heard her talk about the stars that the Wise men/astrologers were seeking and she spoke of that GPS we have within us seeking something.  And that there is God doing something new with us – bringing light into the darkest places. Bringing change, healing, and love.    And we need to   come and see.

So I came away from the service with a sense of expectancy. God is potentially doing something new – with me, with you, and with everyone.

And so I added a fourth resolution.  Come and see that I am here with you making all things new.   Every Day

HAPPY NEW YEAR

A New Beginning

The prayer of invocation at church today:

 

Almighty God

Your Spirit swept over the waters of creation;

Call us away from the distractions of the world.

to experience what You are doing now, in us, and through us, and in our world.

Open us to a new awakening, a new beginning.

where we look through the lens of the goodness of Your creation

experience all possibilities in YOU

Turn us away from the negative lens and lead us to the light

In the name of Jesus, who leads us into life, we pray.

Amen

There is something about the new year that gives me hope.  I recognize how my faith is so tied to my resilience.  Because I do believe that God comes and comes and comes and comes into our lives and brings something new.  And when God comes God brings light that helps us see - how loved we are,the needs around us, and the evil that is always present as well.  God comes and can bring change to us and through us.

We have been caught in a mire of hospital appointments for the last three months.  John has completed his last radiation after 20 days and now starts with weekly infusions.  The first one was Wednesday,  It took over six hours and he had a reaction at home afterward.  Our New Years Eve was very quiet - except for the groans about the Buckeyes losing to Miami.   

And so I trust in the new beginning that turning the page on 2025 can bring.  I have three "resolutions" this year.  1. I want to read every day

                 2. I want to write every day

                 3. I want to play a game with John  - and others, I hope - every day.

I started the year finished The Correspondent which was wonderful.  It was well written and touched on themes of guilt, grace, love, marriage, aging and friendship.  I could feel myself going deeper into my own feelings as the book revealed the life of Sybil, who communicated with hand written letters.  It made me want to write more by hand, but I am so much faster on the computer.  AND my neuropathy causes issues and pain if I write for longer than ten minutes.  Now I am reading The Widow by John Grisham - not nearly as deep  but a fun page turner.  I have kept it up for 4 days so far and it has already made a subtle difference in me - a sense of peace and almost wonder.  

I used to write daily to my friend Susan in Arizona and I have really fallen away from the practice.  I was writing once a week if that. (Susan was my college roommate over 50 years ago) Over 10 years ago we went to a workshop with Julia Cameron who wrote The Artist's Way. She encouraged us to write morning pages as " three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing,done first thing in the morning" For us these are our daily musings on the events of our lives, communities and the world. Often it is a time to "vomit" out what is happening in the messiness and the marvel of life.  Anyway, I am back to the daily practice and discovering how important it is to remember, review, reflect and write - on a daily basis.

Finally I am just a great believer in playing games together.  I play my solo games - wordle, spelling bee, word blossom and betweenie and they wake my brain up.  But playing a game with another really does connect you and enables  communication.  I have had my best conversations with daughters and grandkids around a game table.  Also, I can't remember a time when I played a game and didn't laugh. So this resolution for 2026 - to play games daily with John and more with others is good for my soul. 

So this year begins with questions about the future which will be answered eventually.  In the meantime, I plan to read more, write daily, and play games more AND be on the lookout for the ways God is revealing Godself to me.

 

End with a Poem by Mary Oliver

 

"Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange
sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again"