meanwhile

I live as full of a life as I can.

Yesterday I officiated at a small graveside service for Erik's mom, Linda.  She died five years ago during covid and they were unable to gather together to remember her life. Once again I could see the value of coming together as friends and family to remember someone.  It is really helpful and healing.

I got the blessing of being able to enter into that familiar role for me of being a pastoral presence.  Even for my daughter and son in law.  I love the process of talking about the life of a person and looking at pictures and then thinking about it.  Just thinking about how to express something meaningful about who  they were and how they made a difference is very satisfying to me.  I just feel grateful today.

I think about how some people talk about having bucket lists.  I find I am happy with the mundane parts of life these days.  Today I will do some important tasks - clean the kitchen, change the sheets and go to costco.  All of that makes me happy.  Addie suggested that we might play pickleball this weekend and that would be icing on the cake - being with family and playing pickleball!

In the background of my activity there is waiting.  I wait for ten days from now when I might learn about a clinical trial.   Meanwhile I spend time sitting by Hoover Reservoir looking at the sky, the water, the birds, and the trees waiting in wonder. 

I have found a new poet.  Someone suggested that Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer is the new Mary Oliver. This is from her book Hush

Clear Night

I ask the night, 

teach me to ask bigger questions - 

it replies,

perhaps you could

take the pen away

from the one who wants to

to ask questions

and then let her come

walk in the night. 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                       

 

 

Waiting Once Again

The headline is that my numbers are up - the CA 125 was 142 then 163 now 205.  The last time was not an aberration as we hoped - this chemo that is raising my blood pressure is not working.  Now what?

Yesterday was amazing in that 10 minutes after I learned my numbers - while I was in pickleball on a break - I got a call from a researcher who wants to talk about a clinical trial.  I found myself in her office at 1:30 in the afternoon and learned about the trial.

Now I am Waiting - to learn if I can even be eligible.  Something about my protein which will be tested and will take 2 weeks.  Then I find out if I qualify and if I am on a waiting list or can be treated immediately.

If I am treated I will meet with my new doctors.  I will have to leave Dr. Backes for the duration of the clinical trial and then go back to her when it is over.  

Then I will go in hospital every week to receive the infusion = the first week for 3 nights and the second and third week for two nights.  And then it will be every three weeks in the office.

The most disturbing possible side effect is hearing loss.  There are currently three people in the study at OSU but one of them is leaving because it isn't working for her.  That concerns me as well. 

I am game for anything.  This is what I learned from my mother when she had ovarian cancer - the clinical trials may not work for you but they guide  the researchers in their work and will help the next generation of women who suffer from this disease.

I have lived through this cancer journey always waiting for news.  And it frequently has been disappointing. Every three weeks I have had my blood work done and learned "my numbers."  

I have had two wonderful trips since I last wrote -  one to see my brothers and one to be with my best friend Susan.  In the midst of the joy of these relationships - in the background - I am waiting.  That is my life.

Tomorrow I see the doctor.  I am definitely waiting to hear what she has to say.