Here I am

It is a full and rich life.  And an empty and sad life.  Both.  In the same day.  And I am getting used to it and marveling at it all.

The empty part is the living alone and being surprised at times by my solo state.  I am blessed by leading two grief groups so I know that I am not alone in this.  There is a 93 year old woman who lost her husband 22 years ago who continues to have times of missing him - and she says - now more than ever.  The hardest times are the evenings as I eat alone and usually watch TV and then go to bed instructing Ginger to stay in her bed.

I have attended two funerals in the last week and that has contributed to a sense of sadness.  It is just hard to keep going when a loved one dies.

But the full and rich part of my life is also real and remarkable.  Sunday I went with all three daughters to Toledo for Rachel's wedding shower.  She is Chuck's granddaughter and I am so pleased that she asked me to officiate the wedding in January.  And even more pleased that we gathered as a family to celebrate together.  We all played a game of "pounce" at Rachel's request which was just plain fun and what we do.  Playing games has always been a constant activity that helps to make Chuck's family and my family one family.

I am finding purpose and meaning working at Gender Road Christian Church.  I have the time to work ahead on sermons, lead small groups and be present with people.  It is just beginning, but it is feeling increasingly comfortable and where I am supposed to be.

I am now a supervisor for the Wellstreams program and in relationship with a director in training.  We met for our first "triad" yesterday and I enjoyed the whole process.  Learning spiritual direction is a mysterious endeavor and it requires everyone to be open and vulnerable.  Most of all it is truly "awesome" as we pay attention to the work of the spirit.  I feel blessed to be part of this work and this community.

Finally Monday I led a book group in starting a study of Mark Nepo's The One Life We're Given.  At the end of our discussion of the book, we did an exercise where we each spent time with an item from nature.  Just looking, meditating, reflecting on it to see what it had to say to us.  I had selected a seashell and found myself seeing the miracle of it all - how it was a place of life at one time, how it traveled to Columbus Ohio, how beautiful it was.  And I listened to each person sharing what they learned from their item and  continue to ponder how much there is to appreciate in every aspect of creation.  We mostly walk around not seeing the majesty, mystery and miracles that surround us.

So, I write this in gratitude for all of it - the hard times and the fun times, the sadness and the joy, the emptiness and the fullness.  It is mystery.  Here is a blessing from Maxine Shonk.

May the God of MYSTERY be with you.
May you embrace all that is unexp[lained and unclear in your life.
In that embrace may the God of Mystery reveal your true self.
May you trust the answer as you live into the questions of your life and may god
whose ways are far above your own,
bless you with an abiding presence to mystery.
May the God of MYSTERY bless you. 

`Befriending tension: The way of Henri Nouwen

I write this from Phoenix where I am enjoying my last day with Susan.  I go home tomorrow.,

This weekend we attended a retreat at the Franciscan Renewal Center on befriending tension.  Wil Hernandez, the leader, has written several books on Henri Nouwen and was a really knowledgeable resource for us.

The thesis of the retreat is that we live with tension as part of being human.  We spent Saturday morning wrestling with and reflecting on the tensions that are inward, outward and upward (Godward.)

The inward tension is between our true and false self, our self owning and self giving and our woundedness and healing.  He said that we have  a multiplicity of false selves.  I was struck by this quote: " the brighter the persona, the darker the shadow."  The question is: what is the true self and he was - "A valued, valuing, valuable human made in the image of God."  And he said" only when you know yourself as unconditionally love - that is fully received by God  - can you give gratuitously."
All of which is easy to say and write, but the truth is that if you scratch any one of us, we are usually dealing with our shadow issues of self rejection or self loathing.  And Jesus came - not for the healthy but those who need the doctor - which is the love of God.  Nouwen wrote that "the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain but a step toward it.  "

The second tension we wrestled with was the outward - between solitude and community, compassion and confrontation and presence and absence.  We all live in tension between wanting to be with others and alone  - we lean in one direction or the other.
"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community
Let him who cannot be in community beware of solitude"  Bonhoeffer

Similarly there is a tension between being compassionate and knowing that there is a time to confront others.  And sometimes the confronter does so without compassion.  I learned this term: "Carefronting"  Confronting others with a loving spirit.  Yes, it is a tension knowing when and how.

Finally we have to learn that there are times we are called to the "ministry of absence."  He called it a "creative withdrawal"  where we leave so that the spirit can come.  As a pastor, Nouwen taught me that sometimes the pastor needs to be absent so that the person can have their own encounter with God.  Our compulsive presence (over working) is not always the best thing.  And sometimes in relationships, I have learned that  sometimes I have nothing to offer the other person and I need to get out and allow someone else or just God's healing presence to do what it needs to do.

This is just a brief explanation for the many insights of the weekend and I know that i have much more to ponder and wrestle with.
The last day, he spoke about "befriending" the tension with three guideposts:

1. Learning to subscribe to a "both and" modality.  Learning somehow that there is only one reality and "All is One".  Richard Rohr has written much about the "unitive consciousness" and the fact that "Everything Belongs."
2. Moving closer to the center.  A centered life is one where I realize my solidarity with all human beings.  We have this penchant for division and rejection of self and others.  Somehow, developing a contemplative God centered life helps in this.
3. working toward integration.  This means promoting inclusion over exclusion.  He said "The real essence of inclusivity is to live with the heart of God and together with all people."  For me, the realization was that contemplative practices can help keep me grounded.

We prayer morning and evening and it was very meaningful to me.  I could almost feel these practices open me up.  We sat in silence with these familiar words - "Be still and know that I am God."  I heard them in a new way as the emphasis came to be - not on BE STILL - but the I am God.

God is more than I can imagine and I was reminded that God is always "prevenient" - meaning initiating healing invitations to each and all.


What was most helpful for me this weekend was the realization that we ALL live in tension and that balance is a good idea but only rarely achieved for finite human beings.  Instead, there was  a deepening call to rest in God and rely on God and trust in God as I continue to seek to follow the way of Jesus.

I will end this post with an opening prayer from the retreat that helped me remember who God is:

Ascribe  to the Lord, o mighty ones
Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name
worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.

Soul Stories

Yesterday I went to my "Geography of Grace" group and we spent time reflecting on the "Desert Times" in our lives.  The reading on it started with this quote from Robert Frost

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
between stars - on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

I wrote and talked about the desert of retirement and the confusion of the changes as it involved my ego.  And who am I now that I am not a leader?  And always the question is - who am I anyway?

Then we learned about the difference between Ego Stories and Soul Stories.
I want to write it here so that I have a record. it was so helpful.

Ego stories are
 - stores told for the sake of self promotion, as when we apply for a job
 - focus on life's high spots when we have been successful and affirmed
 - try to portray us as in control or in charge of our lives
 - are often linear stories of continuity and consistency, stories that have a resolution
 - are highly crafted stories that leave out important things; may ignore or falsify certain information by "spinning" the facts
- are always told in prose, and sometimes involve numbers
 - are stories that do not sustain us in times of suffering
- are stories we tell at a party when someone asks "what do you do?"
"Produce! Get results! Make Money!  Make Friends!  Make changes! Or you will die of despair!  Chuang Tzu

Soul Stores are
 - "the story beneath the ego story" the one with the thread of truth running through it
- honor shadow as well as light, suffering as well as gladness
 - are often storeis of twists and turns when our best laid plans were undone by the unexpected
- allow us to integrate the fragments with the whole
- are unafraid of change, fear, loss, failure, and shame, or mystery, passion, and ecstasy
- are sometimes told in poetry, music, or art
- are stories that we can hold onto in the hardest of times
- are stories we want the people we love most to know, ones we are most likely to be reliving when we are awake at 3 am or when we die

"joy and sorrow aren't two different feelings for it (soul). It (soul) attends to us only when the two are joined."  - Wislawa Szymbarska

So - then we wrote a story two ways - as an ego story and as a soul story.  My story was about the death of Chuck and I could not even finish it.  In the ego story I was in control, making good decisions and almost heroic. But the soul story was full of confusion and anxiety and sadness.

The whole exercise was profound and enlightening.  What I realize is that as I am back in church work, it is easy to get caught up in ego stories. And the truth is that we all bounce around in between ego and soul. What I know to be true is that coming back into ministry at Gender Road feels very different as I am in a subordinate  position. It is easier to let go of the ego stories and attend to the  soul.