Crossing Over

I am writing this in my basement and hiding out from the three workers who are installing new carpets in my living, dining and one bedroom.  Noisy and everything is going to look new and different.

It is part of the changes that are happening.  New floor in the back porch and entry way, new roof, new carpets and Audrey is moving out next week.  Change, change, change. 

Today I have a board meeting for the Spirituality Network and I found this reading by Joyce Rupp.  The network is similarly going through changes - as we try to become more diverse and responsive to the spirit's movement.  After Sister Carol Ann has retired, there are changes in the Wellstreams program - as I am sure there have been along the way. 

I like this reading because it is not like we are on a threshold to a new place - but it feels more like a bridge.  And that certainly speaks for me these days.  My home has been share with Chuck until 5 months ago and with Audrey for the past two years.  Soon it will be just me.  And it has felt both daunting and somewhat exciting to look ahead.  I have literally never lived alone and that is going to be different.  Audrey's working at night has prepared me in a lot of ways, but I know that it is not the same.

And the house itself is now mine - and mine alone to make decisions about everything.  I have felt overwhelmed at times by the clutter here - and now I face the truth that it has not all been just Chuck and Audrey.  So, again and again and again the question - who am I now?  Who do I want to be?  What are the next steps for me?

CROSSING OVER…  Joyce Rupp
Crossing over into the unknown,
crossing over from a secure land
to one whose roads I have never walked.

Companion and Guide you are my transition coach.

You say to me:
“Cross over the bridge.
Go ahead, come on over. It’s sturdy enough.

Don’t look down, though, or you might get terrified
and never walk across.

Don’t look back too long or you will lose courage
and want to stay right where you are.

Hang on. Keep going.
That’s what bridges are for, to get you to the other side.
Trust me to protect you.”

For all of us in transition who have bridges to cross,
bless us, God of the journey,
gift us with the desire to go ahead.

Help us to trust that the bridge will be strong
and the risk will be worth it. 

 

                                          
 

A Wonder Filled Trip

I returned home from New York City on Monday and am still wondering about it all.  Audrey decided that this was her gift to me for my 70th birthday.  I will be honest that this birthday has hit me hard but after a love filled family birthday party, the gift of a book from Marnie, a movie from Audrey and now this trip - I think I am over it.  I am 70 damn it and going to live my best life.

The trip was more than I ever imagined it would be.  We stayed at an air BnB in Brooklyn which made it feel "immersive."  For four days I found myself wondering what it would be like to live here.  The apartment was "petite" and owned by a woman who is an artist and dancer.  It was very different from the three bedroom home with a family room and big basement and yard that i live in. The small kitchen had enough dishes for two people only and just enough of everything.  There was a living room with a futon that one of us slept on, a coffee table, a little table with chairs where we could play cards, and a barre and a mirror for us to do our plies. (?)  There were large floor to ceiling windows in the front and a tree  that provided privacy.  However, we could definitely hear the business that was happening on the street.  The one bedroom had a double bed and a day bed.  It was small, spare, and artistic.

We took the subway everywhere we went.  Audrey had an app on the phone that provided good directions for us and we made our way and felt very proud of ourselves that we could.  The subway, of course, is so different from walking down a street in middle America.  The riders, for the most part, do not speak:  they sleep, read, spend time on the phone or just engage in what I call the "dead stare."  A couple of times there were mentally ill people present and it was clear that we did not engage. 

We went on several fun and interesting tours - a night tour of the city, a tour of NBS studies, a bus tour of movie and TV sites that included clips of the shows that were mentioned.  We also went to the Brooklyn Botanical gardens and the Statue of Liberty.  The whole time I am looking at the city and all the people - the incredible variety of people - and again wondering what it would be like to have been born and raised here.  Or have chosen - like my nieces to live here.

We had dinner with each of my brothers daughters and their families - Elyssa and Hannah.  It was so wonderful to see them and get a small sense of what their life is like.  I was particularly taken by the news that Evan - which will be in 9th grade next year like Jackson - will be riding the subway by himself to Manhatten to school.  It seems daunting to me - but it really is life in the city.  Meanwhile I watch my two sixteen year old granddaughters taking drivers tests as they go through that rite of passage of getting a drivers' license  that perhaps Evan will not experience.  It is very different.

We also were so happy to get to spend two lunches with my niece Gillian and her new beau Mitch.  We loved watching their relationship and hearing about their lives in Albany New York.

So, we are resolved to go back again next year - we have really only scratched the surface in experiencing this amazing city.  After all is said and done, I was just filled with wonder
 - about the beauty of the gardens in the city and the Art and a petite apartment in Brooklyn
- about the way in which a million people can move through this amazing subway system
 - about the attention to detail that I learned about in the creation of the Statue of Liberty as well as the creation of TV sitcom and movies
 - about the different and interesting and life giving choices that people make in my own family
 - about the friendliness of so many people helping us to find our way

It was a trip worthy of a BIG Birthday and an amazing gift for me.
 -

What do you want?

That is what the floor installer has said to me today?  Twice.  Do you want the floor to go in this direction or that?  And I had this realization - that it is all up to me.  There is no one else who owns this house and it is my decision.

Yet another way that I miss having a companion to ask and help me to decide.  In the fall I took out a loan to do some repairs on the house.  We now have a new roof and today a new entry way and new flooring on the sunroom.  In two weeks we will have new carpets in the living room and dining room.  It is a lot of decisions to make and I am doing it.  But there are moments like today - when someone says - what direction do you want the flooring - that I realize it is all up to me.

Of course, the truth is that even with a companion we have that question constantly - what do you want?  Jesus several times in the Bible said to people - "What do you want me to do for you?" and I think about that a lot.  I picture Jesus coming to me when I am in prayer and saying - "What do you want me to do for you?"  And honestly, most of the time I don't even know.

When I first retired I bought a quote that hangs from my rearview mirror - "Do what makes you happy"  and I find the question always is - so what exactly makes me happy?  And often it is a mystery to me.

I write this after a Happy Mother's Day which was probably particularly happy because I didn't plan much of anything.  Audrey slept in and I read the newspaper and planted flowers in the front yard.  I planted six sunflower seeds and found just the act of hands in the soil and planting delightful.  Soon I had a wonderful conversation with a neighbor followed by a visit from Marnie, Reagan and Maggie who all planted flowers and mulched the back yard.  Audrey finished the front yard flowers and it was very satisfying and YES - made me happy.  Marnie invited us to dinner and we all enjoyed Erik's artistry on the grill and some perfect medium rare steaks - much better for me than the traditional Mother's day brunch.

Two weeks ago, I had a book made of a blog I wrote in 2018 - called "Fifty Ways to Cheese Pizza."  After about nine months and 30 pizza places, I stopped the blog.  As I read over this book, however, I realized how happy it made me to do that project.  There were so many people that joined me in trying out pizza in new places.  And so, I have decided to start a new project which is "Breakfast with Margot" and I will go to as many different restaurants with friends and write those experiences up.  It does make me happy to be with friends and to take pictures and write about the experience.  It is for no good reason but just to have fun.  I have already started and the blog is:

BreakfastwithMargot.blogspot.com.

I hope to explore new places and have friends do what they did last time with the pizza - suggest restaurants and most importantly - join me!

So....what do I want? .  There is no question that  there are  moments when I wish I had  a partner to share the big decisions with but I don't.  What I do have is some pretty wonderful friends and family that like to eat with me, play with me, work with me and pray with me.

And I am grateful.

The Sweetness that Remains

As I slowly read through The cure for Sorrow by Jan Richardson I enter into a new section of the book called "The Sweetness that Remains."    I like these words
Sunday I preach at Gender Road Christian Church on the 21st chapter of John.  It is the final words of Jesus to Peter which are

• :Do you love me?  Feed my sheep (3 times)

• When you were young you dressed yourself and went wherever you wished, but when you get old you'll have to stretch out your hands while someone else dresses you and takes you where you don't want to go   (vulnerability)

• Follow me 

This morning I have been reading through books on love  - Thich Nhat Hanh, Anthony Demello and Dallas Willard.  Because the final words are really about living in the kingdom of love.

Some ideas from these readings:
 - Understanding is love's other name, if you don't understand you can't love.

  - Love is indiscriminate.  The sun shines on the good and the bad.A rose is fragrant to all people.

 - Love is gratuitous. It gives and asks nothing in return

 - Love is free - does not coerce or try to control.

 - Love springs from awareness - the first ingredient of love is to really see the other.

 - Love is searching for the treasure buried in this person.

 - Love is in the present. 

I was particularly struck by this: stop looking back and be enchanted by the music of now - the present moment.

Right now I have no idea where I am being led in sermon preparation, but in my own spirit I recognize that grief is - by nature - looking back.  And there is love to give and experience in this present moment.

So, I begin this day praying for grace and an awareness of the sweetness that remains in my life through the love of God and the love I experienced with Chuck. 

I will end with this "solace blessing by Jan Richardson

BLESSING THE HOUSE OF THE HEART

If you could see
how this blessing
shimmers inside you,
you would never wonder 
whether there will be
light enough, time enough, room enough for you.

If you could see
the way this blessing
has inscribed itself 
on every wall
of your heart,
writing its shining line
across every doorway,
tracing the edge
of every window
and table
and hall - 

if you could see this,
you would never question
where home is
or whether it has
a welcome for you.

This blessing wishes
to give you
a glimpse.

It will not tell you
it has been waiting.
It will not tell you
it has been keeping watch,
It would no
t want you to know
just how long
it has been holding
this quiet vigil 
for you.

It simply wants you
to see what it sees,
wants you to know
what it knows - 
how this blessing
already blazes in you,
illuminating every corner
of your broken
and beautiful heart.
Amen