With a little help from my friends

And Family

And Faith

We are going through a very hard time.  Brian, Chuck's son, has been living with us for 5 months following a psychological breakdown in Chicago.  And everything has gone fairly well as we have become comfortable with each other's ways and grown into a family of 3.  Not always easy, but my sense was that we were a "womb" for Brian as he was getting counseling and other help to build a life here in Columbus.

This weekend he had another breakdown and as I write this he is in the hospital waiting for a bed in the Psyche ward.  And it has been challenging and very sad for all of us.  And we have no idea what is ahead.

I write this in gratitude for the blessing of all the ways in which Chuck and I have been supported.  This is what I am learning.

1. How important presence can be in a moment of trauma.  We had to call 911 and paradmedics on Sunday afternoon and both Kacey and Marnie (who was physically sick) came to us.  Marnie walked in and hugged Chuck and it got better for him.  And they listened to the police and paramedics and heard what I could not hear in the midst of everything that was going on. Kacey drove to the hospital just to be with us and it helped so much just to have her there.

2. The value of prayer.  I was so blessed on Monday to have scheduled a meeting with my spiritual director.  She always prays as we begin our time together.  As she spoke - not knowing any of what had happened - I felt a shift inside me as God became central in my focus and everything else just moved into place.  Yesterday I saw the Movie "Inside Out" and it was like all of the emotions lined up in a healthy way.  My morning prayers had my focus on "Immanuel"  God with us.  And always, just that thought can center me and bring peace.

3. The gift of counselors.  On Monday I spoke to my spiritual director, a psychiatrist in the hospital, and Brian's counselor here in Columbus.  All of them gave me needed information and comfort.  I am learning that there is so much I don't know.  Monday night Audrey came in from Tuscon and her experience as a chaplain has been invaluable.  God continues to give me the people that I need.

4. The treasure of friendships. Yesterday a good friend "happened" to call me about a church matter.  I had been sitting at lunch with the girls and feeling lost in my sadness.  I left the restaurant and talked to her about our situation and her compassionate and faithful  response lifted my spirits  noticeably.  I felt like a different person when I went back to the table.  I have emailed and texted friends throughout this time and received caring  emails and texts back.  Every time it just provides one more piece of support.

5. The reality of light in the darkness and joy in the sadness.  And right now the light and the joy is most evident in grandchildren.  Addie is sleeping in my family room as I write this and she just makes me happy as do all of these beautiful children.  We are laughing and waiting for Christmas at the same time we are crying and caring about Brian.

6. What it is like to live a day at a time.  Because we are.  I have no idea when Brian will get into the psyche unit, how long he will be there, and what is going to happen.  I am not even specualating about the future because I cannot imagine it.  What is it like to live a day at a time?  Actually, it is freeing.  Kind of surprising, really.

 But this is what is clear - God is here.  Immanuel.
Loving, supporting, guiding all of us.

And it is enough.  Actually it is more than enough.

So, keep us all in prayer. 

The Visitation

I spent some time last week praying with and reflecting about the visitation of Mary and Elizabeth.  It is found in the book of Luke:

In those days Mary set out and went with haste to a Judean town in the hill country, where she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth.¹When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. 
And why has this happened to me, that the mother of my Lord comes to me? 
For as soon as I heard the sound of your greeting, the child in my womb leaped for joy. 
And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her by the Lord.”

It is a familiar and favorite text and I have used it over the years in preaching, retreats and writing to describe  "spiritual friendship." It is the picture of two women of different generations who are each expecting a baby that is surprising, unexpected and holy.   Their pregnancies set them apart from others and they find in each other not only companionship but affirmations of their own journeys.

It was in spiritual direction this past week week that I recognized the gift of so many "visitations" in my life.  Spiritual friends are so different from just friends or family members.  For example, last spring I saw a friend from North Carolina who stopped by for one night after visiting her dying mother in  Bowling Green. We spent a couple of hours in conversation about life and all that was happening in her mother's past year.   It was a rich conversation. .  And as she left I told her how much I appreciated her presence in my life as a "kindred spirit."  We may not see each other again for years, but I know we share a similar awareness about exploring the depths of life that means there is always a connection when we come back together again.

The women's retreat last Saturday was a similar sort of "visitation" for me as I gathered in a holy place with other women who valued the spiritual life.  And it is in community with each other that we know that we are each "giving birth" in some way that is mysterious and scary and awesome and real.
God is doing something new with us if only we would pay attention.

Two days ago I had lunch with an old friend from Bowling Green and again, the conversation went way beyond the cursory events of our lives into the wonderings of God's presence, love and work in every moment.  And she said  that so much of what we talked about other people in her life would not have understood.  It was a visitation for both of us.

And so, today I just feel blessed to find that at this time in my life I realize the gift of those who come to be my companions along the way.  What is interesting with Mary and Elizabeth is that it is a visit - for a short time - and then they leave each other to each give birth to their own baby and face their own future. 

I continue to be blessed with people who show up when I need them as "Kindred spirits."  We may not know each other's history, we may come from a very different background, or generation - but we share a faith in God and a trust in God's work in our lives.  And so we receive the gift for a day or a weekend of a "visitiation" that gives us strength and hope and peace to continue on our way.

May the BIRTHING God bless you.

May you find hope and promise in the pains of your labor

and may you know life ever new in each grace that comes to you.

May God be birthed in you with every prayer

and may compassion flower in your every relationship.

May the BIRTHING God be with you.

Amen

(Maxine Shonk)

Stubborn Hope and Unaccountable Faith

It is Sunday afternoon and I am still reflecting on the Advent retreat yesterday at Camp Christian.

This is the 12th Advent retreat I have led and the first one since I have been retired. With Marsha Mueller as the  craft queen, I planned a day of reflection on "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day."
It is based on a poem by Longfellow written after the death of his wife and the wounding of his son during the Civil War.  It dips down into despair and doubt and the last verse is a word of hope and faith despite the events in the present.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep  The Wrong shall fail,  The Right prevail,

With peace on earth, good-will to men."

And so, we pondered the darkness in which we all live - dark places of the world, of our own lives and within ourselves.  And then spent time "Listening"to God's word of hope.  In the afternoon I shared this reading by Jan Richardson:

Blessed Are You Who Bear the Light

Blessed are you
who bear the light
in unbearable times,
who testify
to its endurance
amid the unendurable,
who bear witness
to its persistence
when everything seems
in shadow
and grief.

Blessed are you
in whom
the light lives,
in whom
the brightness blazes—
your heart
a chapel,
an altar where
in the deepest night
can be seen
the fire that
shines forth in you
in unaccountable faith
in stubborn hope
in love that illumines
every broken thing
it finds.

I loved that we are people who - when we listen for God's word in some form or fashion or look for "God sightings" in our lives, we do experience God's hope in the midst of the hardest times. And we become "Bearers of the Light."  

For me the whole day was a blessing because of the women who were present.  There is no question that in this strange advent season, I am missing a faith community.  And for that day - when I gathered with 16 women who chose to spend time retreating from their "normal" life  - I was in the presence of "Light Bearers."  One of the most powerful parts of the day was when I gathered with three other women to share prayer needs and to lay hands on each other and pray.  I have missed this as well.  

At our retreats we always have a craft project and this time we made "Mandalas" with bells in them.  One of my favorite parts of the retreat is when we share what has "come up" in us from the day together.  It is always as varied as we are and reflects our different journeys.  This is mine - not artistic - but meaningful to me with pictures that resonate and words that speak to me during this time of my life.  What I now realize is that the bell fell off the middle - so that what remains is a cross. Anyway this is it:

Everyone also received a little bell and before we left,  I invited everyone to ring the  bell each day during the rest of Advent so that we might remember that God is here - as the light in the darkness and bringing pure love into this world. 

Reflections on the Season

Not Christmas - but Advent

Advent is the season of preparation as we prepare ourselves for the celebration of the coming of Jesus at Christmas.

This is a very very different Advent for me and I not feeling anchored at all.  This is my first Advent in over thirty years where I was not worshipping at a church on a regular basis and not participating in a daily Advent devotional.  The season began two weeks ago when I was on a cruise ship in the Caribbean and I was hardly aware that it was the first Sunday of this holy season.

In the past I prepared to prepare as pondered in advance themes for the season and the ways in which the congregation and I would not only worship but engage in acts of devotion and service.  This year - none of that.  It appears that we are half way through and I am just realizing it.

I am participating in an Ignatian "Retreat in Daily Life" which means daily prayer and weekly spiritual direction.  And we are now spending some time reflecting on some of the Advent scriptures and they are of course, very familiar but - as always - present opportunities for deeper engagement with God and the surprises that can come through prayer and meditation.

One text that is always pondered is Joseph's dream as recorded in Matthew.

---

Matthew 1:18-25

The Birth of Jesus the Messiah

18 Now the birth of Jesus the Messiah^* took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to dismiss her quietly. ²⁰But just when he had resolved to do this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.’ ²²All this took place to fulfil what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet:
²³ ‘Look, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
   and they shall name him Emmanuel’,
which means, ‘God is with us.’ ²⁴When Joseph awoke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him; he took her as his wife, ²⁵but had no marital relations with her until she had borne a son;^* and he named him Jesus.

What strikes me again about this familiar story is how Joseph is faced with the "problem" of a pregnant Mary and comes to what is a compassionate plan to "dismiss her quietly."  And God intervenes through a dream. And his plans change.  What I see in this is how easily we settle for our plans and how God wants us to be part of a bigger story if only we will take a risk and follow the subtle guidance of a dream, or a whisper in the night, or a nudge in the daylight.

Yesterday my friend Cathy shared a poem by David Whyte that expresses this life of faith.  This is the beginning of it.

What to Remember When Waking --by David Whyte (Dec 30, 2013)
 In that first hardly noticed moment in which you wake, 
coming back to this life from the other more secret,
 moveable and frighteningly honest world where everything began
, there is a small opening into the new day which closes the moment you begin your plans.

 What you can plan is too small for you to live. 
What you can live wholeheartedly will make plans enough for the vitality hidden in your sleep.
 To be human is to become visible while carrying what is hidden as a gift to others. 
To remember the other world in this world is to live in your true inheritance. 
You are not a troubled guest on this earth, you are not an accident amidst other accidents you were invited from another and greater night than the one from which you have just emerged. 

+++++++++++++
My plans for this weekend are as follows - to spend time today with friends in ministry, to be with grandchildren, to lead a retreat, to go to a party and to church on Sunday.  Those are some of my plans.  My prayer is that God's plan is larger than mine and that I will be open to the leadings of Advent that are preparing me for the birth that is coming.

May it be so.
Amen



 

Gratitude for Life - all of it

Today is Thanksgiving and for me and my family every year is different.  We do not have a tradition of going to the same person's home and eating the traditional fare.  But it is always memorable.

I am grateful always for my marriage and especially this year as we celebrate 20 years together.  There was a moment yesterday when Chuck and I just looked at each other as if to say - how fast it has gone and how good it has been.  We are kind of an unlikely couple but truly he has helped me to grow spiritually as I have tried to give him what he has always given me - the freedom to be himself.
And of course, it has been 20 years of a lot of laughs as he never stops surprising me.

We looked at our pictures from our wedding yesterday and I could not help but notice those who are no longer with us on earth - my Mom, my friend Vonnie who married us, and my sister Ellen.  Yesterday my niece Sarah, Ellen's daughter,  gave birth to her first child and that just gives me so much joy as I cherish the reality that life truly does go on and we get new people and opportunities to love.  Grateful.

I will not be with any of my daughters around the table today.  Kacey and Marnie and their families are going to Hocking Hills together.  They thought that this vacation would not happen this year because Marnie and Erik lost their jobs this summer.  But both found new jobs and more challenges and opportunities and they get to go after all!  Grateful.

Audrey will be by herself in Tuscon because Miranda flew to be by her grandma, Mama Sallie's side, as she left this earth.  And she made it in time and was able to be present at what is always a holy experience.  Their family will be together to share stories and tears and laughter and I imagine, turkey. And Audrey - will not be totally alone - as she spends time with new friends and my oldest friend Susan this weekend.  Grateful.

And so my gratitude is not just for the goodness of life - the new jobs, the marriage, the baby - but it is for the  all the life.  The experiences of loss and grieving and loneliness that  remind us that we need each other and we need God.  And God is always there in all of it.  Not just getting us through, but strengthening and growing  us in the midst of all of it.

Grateful, Grateful, Grateful.

Tuesday is Movie Day

      For the past month, Tuesday has been movie day for me.  Melanie and I, recent retirees, are going to the movies weekly on Tuesday where the tickets are $5 and include free popcorn!  And then we go out to lunch for a discussion of what we have seen.

My criteria is that it needs to be a movie about people and a movie that will make me think.  So far, our movies have been: Our Brand is Crisis (politics), Burnt (about a perfectionist chef), Suffragette (feminism) and today - Spotlight - about the reporting of the Boston Globe on the systemic cover up of the molestation of children by priests.

This was a powerful and - yes - thought provoking movie.  I have been part of book groups for over 30 years and I love discussing a book that everyone has read.  The only problem is that if it has been a while since we read it, we don't always remember details and our reaction to it is in the past.  But watching a movie with others and then talking about it is about our immediate responses.  I love it.

Spotlight had some of my favorite actors in it - like Stanley Tucci, John Slattery and Michael Keaton.  And it was a complicated story that was told well and was very satisfying.  This is what it made me think about
1. How we can try to put the needs of the institution over the needs of people - whether it is a church, a  newspaper, a school, a company. And soon there will be a movies about the reality of concussions in football and  corruption on wall street.  We can read the paper about the lies of VW that put lives at risk.  It happens all the time.
2. How easy it is to turn a blind eye to what is happening.  And there were good people - priests, lawyers and newspaper people who chose not to see or to connect the dots to the systemic evil.
3. How sometimes only the outsider can come in and open our eyes.  In this case it was an editor who was Jewish and not from Boston who started to ask the questions.

And always, when I see movies like this I hope that   - in the future - I can be a person who sees what is really going on.  And has the courage to tell the truth and face the consequences.  I know that has not always been the case.

Tuesday at the movies is more than entertainment - it stretches my mind and hopefully enlarges my spirit. 

Email me if you want to join us! (ogram842@yahoo.com)

Tellebration

Last night Brian and I went to a "Tellebration" :  an evening of Storytelling and it was really wonderful.

I had read about it in the newspaper and found out that it was at the Ohio Historical Center, 90 minutes long and cost $5.  Sounded like a perfect way to spend a Saturday night -( especially after the Buckeyes lost!)

Not knowing what to expect, I was surprised to find how small the gathered group was - less than 50 people in a space that could hold 4 times the number.  It was - then - intimate and kind of quirky.  The evening began and had an intermission by "The Patchwork Parlor Band" a couple about my age who played guitars and sang a variety of music - the Beatles, standards and some country.  Not surprisingly I knew most of their songs and found myself singing along.  At the intermission, they were joined by a friend (who looked like he was in his 70's) who played "the bones" and did a sort of percussive dance on a box to rocky top.  Truly, you had to be there. It was unique.

We heard 6 story tellers plus a group of students who were members of the Village Watato Storytellers.  They did some original writings and spoken word.

Storytelling is truly an art and these people were  very creative and skilled  in the use of their words, their voices, their gestures and their bodies.   I felt like we went around the world and through the years as we  heard  stories about grandchildren, hairy monsters, boys frightened in the night and the disembodied voices. One woman spoke with an Irish accent, another sang throughout her story and another told a "spooky Affrilachian Tale."

It all made me think about how rarely we sit and tell and listen to stories.  Much of communication now  is texting and not talking.  And the talking that we do is so often practical and far from  poetic.  We give information but don't really spend time telling the stories of our lives or sharing the stories of others.

Good storytelling means that we need to reflect enough on our lives and our experiences to recognize the stories that we have to tell.  Good storytelling needs people who are willing to listen for more than just the "point" but to enjoy the ride of the wonderfully descriptive language.

 And I will tell you this  - like an evening of good conversation - good storytelling is better than time in front of any screen as we continue to explore what it means to be alive. 

Changing Hearts and Minds

       Yesterday I watched the movie Suffragette and I find myself thinking about it this morning.  It is the story of the movement in England to give the women the right to vote.  It is seen through the eyes of Maud Watts, a young mother who works in the laundry.  We watch her change as she becomes more aware of and a part of the suffragettes. She eventually loses her job, marriage and child as she joins other heroic women to act together to bring the need for women to vote to the attention of the country.

   There was a lot in this.  It was the changing of a life that led to the gradual changes to the country.  It is easy in the year 2015 to take the right to vote for granted.  These women had a leader who reminded them that "Deeds not words" would make the difference.  And when you think about every social justice movement words are not enough.  At some point people have to risk their own lives in getting the attention of those who are in power.

   It takes years and perhaps generations to change people's minds - whether it is about the equality of men and women or different races.  At the end of the movie they listed when different countries gave women in the right to vote.  In England, certain women voted in 1918 and all women were allowed to vote in 1938. In the USA it was 1923.  And in Saudi Arabia, it might be this year that women are granted the right to vote.

    Now, in our country we have "come a long way, baby" and women vote, have credit cards, own homes, and have equal rights.  But still in 2015 there are churches which do not allow women in leadership - Christian, Catholic, Jewish and of course Islamic.  It can take a long time for minds to change.

   And now our world is at war against people whose worldview would bring us back to where women have no rights.  Unfortunately, our words will not be enough to  change the minds of the radical jihadists.  I am grateful for the women and men who had the courage and have the courage to put themselves in harm's way in order to bring or keep  freedom for others.

   If nothing else, movies like this open my mind to the ways that we are called to see injustice and act.  And certainly we need to take advantage of the freedom to vote that was hard won for women and minorities and do at least that part of changing the world.


  

Facing the Horror

Ever since Friday I have felt consumed by the horrific events of Paris.  CNN has been on frequently and last night I watched Sixty Minutes where several victims witnessed their experience.  It is frightening to consider the power that the ISIS has to inflict terror and fear around the world.

I remember after 9/11 I spent from Tuesday to Sunday thinking about my sermon on Sunday.  And I ended up preaching about how Jesus responded to evil.  He saw it, he stood up to it, he transformed it.

What I keep hearing is that now we have a "new normal" - in that we are more at risk.  And I wonder whether that is true or whether we are just more aware of the reality of evil that always is present.  In the Genesis story of Adam and Eve in the garden there is a snake present with no explanation.  It is always there - the presence of the choice of yes or no to the way of God. 

This morning as I woke I thought about the Advent retreat that I am planning right now.  It is called "Do you hear what I hear?" And I am using the Christmas Son - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.
It is based on a  1863 poem "Christmas Bells" by American poetHenry Wadsworth Longfellow.
The song tells of the narrator's despair, upon hearing Christmas bells, that "hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will to men". The carol concludes with the bells carrying renewed hope for peace among all people.

Despite our beautiful Christmas cards, we need to always remember that Jesus was born at a time of oppression and repression for the Jewish people under the reign of the murderous Herod.  The reality of evil is not new.

Today I think about our response to evil and I do not have any idea what our country or any country should be doing.  Except this - we need to work together to discern the most effective response to these killings.  And find a way to stand up to the evil in solidarity with each other.

And for me, I am in prayer for the victims, the leaders, and the enemy.  I sit at the cross of Christ and trust in the mystery of God's suffering and transforming love.

In Wishful Thinking Frederick Buechner writes this and it helps me as much as anything else as I face the horror and the reality of evil in this world.

God is all-powerful.
God is all-good.
Terrible things happen.

You can reconcile any two of these propositions with each other, but you can't reconcile all three. The problem of evil is perhaps the greatest single problem for religious faith

    There have been numerous theological and philosophical attempts to solve it, but when it comes down to the reality of evil itself, they are none of them worth much.  When a child is raped and murdered, the parents are not apt to take much comfort from the explanation (better than most) that since God wants us to love him,  we must be free to love or not to love and thus free to rape and murder a child if we take a notion to.
     Christian Science solves the problem of evil by saying that it does not exist except as an illusion
of modern mind.  Buddhism solves it in terms of reincarnation and an inexorable law of cause and effect whereby the raped child is merely reaping the consequences of evil deeds it it committed in another life.

Christianity...ultimately offers no theoretical solution at all. It merely points to the cross and says that, practically speaking, there is no evil so dark and so obscene - not even this - but that God can turn it to good.

In Ireland, where the memory of terrorist attacks remains strong, the Archbishop of Armagh, the Most Revd Michael Jackson issued the following prayer in solidarity “with all those who have died and those who are bereaved and terrified as a result of the atrocities of Friday evening”.

“Almighty God we lay before you today the people of France and in particular the citizens of Paris.

We pray for those who have been killed in the atrocities of Friday evening November 13 and we ask for your mercy towards those who mourn the lost and tend the sick and injured.

We pray for the security and support services and for all who exercise political and civic leadership.

Most of all we pray for peace in a world of violence.”

My Red Cup

There has been quite a bit of conversation about the red cups for Christmas at Starbucks.

I don't really get it.  Because why would anyone expect a secular corporation to espouse Christianity in a pluralistic nation.  Makes no sense to me at all.

But some in our denomination have called for us to write about the red cup that is central to our faith - and that is our chalice. And that is the red cup that matters to me.

It is  our denominational identity because we are people of the table - and communion is central to our worship.  As a pastor and preacher, I  appreciated that fact on a  very personal way. When we came to worship on Sunday - even if the sermon was not speaking to a person - communion was always present and gives us an occasion of spiritual sustenance.  Because it is more than just the material eating a piece of bread or cracker and a taste of wine or juice. Communion - the cup - represents a life of self giving love embodied in Jesus Christ and a living presence in that moment.

And whatever I write about "The Red Cup" is going to be inadequate because it is always more.
The question of our lives is "Can we drink the cup?"  Or are we willing to continue on this journey of following the way of Jesus and allowing God to change us from the inside out?

As I continue on my retreat in Daily Life I keep learning that God is never done with us.  I have spent time with Psalm 51 this morning and found myself stuck on this verse:

"Give me again the joy that comes from your salvation

And make me willing to obey you"

Here I am - 66 years old - and I am learning again that to be a "Disciple" means that I am willing have discipline in making choices about time and money so that what I do truly reflects God's desires for my life and for this world.  Drinking from this Red Cup does lead to joy, salvation, peace and fulfillment.  But it requires times of confession and forgiveness, commitment and love.

Can we  drink this cup?  It is life changing.

The Call to Serve

I have just returned from Sunday worship at the Free Store at Camp Christian.  Wendy Taylor is the pastor and she is calling this experience "The Open Table."

As I have no church right now, I am supporting her in her ministry in every way that I can.  She has a vision of a church which is based in mission which will then lead into a worshipping community.  The primary mission is the "Free Store" which she has been supervising for 5 years and now we are starting this experience. 

There were 10 of us that gathered today at the table at 11:30 am.  Our time began with breakfast and then a prayer, a story, a project, communion and a closing prayer exercise.  It was everything that we had talked about wanting it to be - active, communal,  casual and  inspiring.  Wendy first told us the story of Martha and Mary and then her own experience yesterday of being caught up in "service activities" of the free store and missing a relationship experience with a talkative and needy man.  It really spoke to me as I reflected on how easy it is for us to think of service as what we do instead of being present to another person.  It is in our presence with others - often "just" listening - that we are most vulnerable and probably most effective in sharing the love of God.

Our project was that we put together jars of  bean soup starter to be handed out at the Free Store.  It was fun and led to conversation among us and more ideas for the future being shared.  At the end, after communion (bagels and cider) we walked to each get a piece of wood for the fire as we reflected on the "Prayer of Saint Francis."  And I could only think that this was a different kind of church - and I like it - I really liked it.

The past 10 months have been a time of reflection for me about what worship is and what service is and how God is always inviting us to engage and grow in our faith.  For the last two weeks, I worshipped at First Christian Church in Ada with a similarly small group.  It is a church that is either going to transform or die.  But in the meantime, those who attended were inspired and inspiring.  And they continue to serve in the ways that have given their church identity and meaning and purpose for over 125 years.  Now today, it is a church that may be just beginning and we will see what happens.

Either way, I was blessed by being with saints who seek to serve and are open to the movement of the spirit.

Looking into the Abyss

This is the follow up to a post on sin.  At some point you really do have to go there - to the abyss.
I have a feeling that there is no way that you can take your own sin seriously and not spend time looking in darkness and confusion.

That is the way I felt this morning as I came to prayer.  When I eventually came to prayer.  Part of what has happened to me this week is a whole lot of resistance and avoidance because - really - who wants to think about your own personal sin?  Not me. 

There is a prayer by Evelyn Underhill:
"Jesus show me what the attachments and cravings are which hold me down below your level of self surrender, real love.  Show me the things that lumber up in my hearts so that it cannot be filled with your life and power."   When God shows those things to you it is not easy.  Sometimes it can lead us to the Abyss.

Anyway, I finally got there and found myself looking in.  And this is how I would describe it - it is looking into the darkest place and facing the uncertain future.  It is looking within and seeing that great divide between who I want to be (and sometimes pretend to be) and who I am.

When I concluded the Wellstreams program I "wrote a book" called Becoming a Contemplative Pastor and in it I wrote about the Abyss.  I quoted one of my favorite writings that starts like this

I have decided for life
I have decided to grow
to do more than survive
to grow through the fog to the sun
that attractive star.

One of the stanzas is
"I have decided to take my chances with the abyss
to weather the painful in-betweens
to wake in my own blood
to mourn my lost innocence in the process of growth 
because all growth has as its heartflower
pain in its endless variations
and its petals are the many colors of suffering."

This morning I looked down into the fog and into the darkness of myself and there was - for me -
a light.  It was Jesus.  And  it was as if he was patting the ground beside him and inviting me down, smiling and saying: I am here to be with you.

And so, this journey inward is not always easy.  But I keep learning to hang in there, to pay attention and trust that I can sit with Him - in his light - safe, loved, forgiven, blessed.

May I remember this day.

Dealing with Sin

That's what I have been doing for the last two weeks in my "Retreat in Daily Life"
And of course, that's what I have been doing for my whole life.  We all do.

Last week the topic was "The Disorder of Sin - Appalling Rebellion." The retreat guide says:
 Why do we go here this week? We want to see, to taste, what sin is — an appalling rebellion against God. This is not to look at some vague sense of social evil, without any responsible villains. Our intention is to spend this week more consciously aware of the sheer arrogance and outrageous opposition to God’s grace that exists in our world. 

And so as I spent time  reflecting on the way in which we hurt each other and the earth, I found myself reading the newspaper and watching TV news in a different way.  One image that struck me - and many, many people - was the school officer who forcibly dragged a student out of the classroom. And my thought was that this was "sin" in response to "sin." The student's disrespect touched something in him that led to this overreaction.  And then surely this young woman's behavior probably reflected the "sin" of her life.  I know it is not a new idea that our thoughts and actions are often in reaction to events in our lives.  And it all can go back generations.

What I found myself recognizing was that looking back in history or in this day and age we see violence, inhumanity, injustice, abuse, greed and lust for power.  That is almost the backdrop to our lives that "is what it is." We get so used to it.  And that was last week.

This week, we are looking at our own lives and our own personal sin.  Here are some of the questions I have spent time with

What have I done? What have I failed to do? Habitually? Almost instinctively? At each stage of my life? When, through­out my life, to this very day, have I acted independently of God? When did I make up my own rules? How have I been dishonest — to others, to myself? When was I cruel or abusive? Lustful and greedy in my desires for power, control, consump­tion, self-gratification? To what degree have I rationalized and made excuses? How have I let my heart become cool to God and to others? 

This is really heavy stuff and it has been daunting to look back through my own life and see choices I have made that have led me away from God, away from others and from my best self. You cannot start a retreat with these questions - it is only in the context of knowing and resting in our loving God that we have the courage to really look back.  And explore God's presence in every moment of our lives.

It has been illuminating and ultimately life giving.  Because of my faith and my experience of God's love through it all. There is a famous sermon  by Jonathon Edwards called "Sinners in the hands of an angry God."  And I reject that entirely.  What I keep learning in a more real and deeper way is that I am - and we are - sinners in the hands of a loving and gracious God.  That is what I see every time I go back to the cross and the eyes of Jesus who said, "Father Forgive them, they know not what they do."  

When you are a pastor, people want to put you up on a pedestal as if you have "conquered" sin and now are able to live this perfect and peaceful life.  The truth is that our "conquering" sin is really about seeing it, confessing it and trusting in God's grace and mercy.   I come as I am broken, wounded, wounding, unconscious, hypocritical, rebellious, faithful, caring, critical, gifted and loved and continue to marvel at our God who offers grace and mercy to me and to all.

Here is a prayer that has been prayed by the faithful for centuries.  It speaks to me today.

Father of mercy,
like the prodigal son
I return to you and say:
"I have sinned against you
and am no longer worthy to be called your son."
Christ Jesus, Savior of the world,
I pray with the repentant thief
to whom you promised Paradise:
"Lord, remember me in your kingdom."
Holy Spirit, fountain of love,
I call on you with trust:
"Purify my heart,
and help me to walk as a child of light."
 
 Lord Jesus,
you opened the eyes of the blind,
healed the sick,
forgave the sinful woman,
and after Peter's denial confirmed him in your love.
Listen to my prayer:
forgive all my sins,
renew your love in my heart,
help me to live in perfect unity with my fellow Christians
that I may proclaim your saving power to all the world.
 
 Lord Jesus, Son of God,
have mercy on me, a sinner.

 Prayer of the Penitent, The Rite of the Sacrament of Reconciliation

 

Food for Thought

Saturday morning I helped to organize an "Inservice" for spiritual directors which I continue to think about.  There were so many parts of the time that I continue to ponder.

We began with a time of prayer and reflection on this quotation from Howard Thurman.

There is in everyone that which waits and listens
To hear the genuine in himself
To hear the genuine in another, too
How is it with you
Are you able to hear the genuine in another
If not, then you must do all you can
To remove whatever it is that prevents your hearing it
For if you cannot hear it in another, you will not hear it in yourself

Howard Thurman

And we began with the question of what it is that prevents our hearing the genuine in another?  or in ourselves?  And there is so many different answers.  It is so easy to be busy, distracted, full of ourselves, and on some level afraid to really listen.  

Then we watched a video of a talk by Brian McDermott titled "Contemplative Experience in Spiritual Direction."  Here are some of his thoughts that struck me.

1. In the past 25 years there have been disruptive cultural shifts caused by technology

     * The internet seizes our attention and scrambles our thoughts and keeps us on the surface of life.

     * "Skimming" has become a dominant mode of thought and affects our capacity to go deeper

     * We have gone from cultivation of knowledge to being hunters and gatherers.

     * We Live more and more with outward thoughts, denying our inner reality.

2. He defined "contemplativeness" as a long, loving look at the real, savoring that which I love.  A movement from self reflection to noticing the other and being affected by the other.   There is a difference between thinking about something and being affected by it.

3. The church teaches and interprets God.  And that is good.  It is in spiritual direction that we listen and find our for ourselves what God is doing and how we are affected by it.  Sometimes it is the difference between information about God and time with God.

After looking over my notes right now I realize I would benefit from watching this video again.  It just reminds me of the importance of "wasting time" with God and allowing God to have God's way with me.  It is just so easy to "do for" God instead of "be with" God. And the times of prayer, contemplative, reflection enable me to see and feel "movement of spirit" in ways that I cannot express in words, but experience often in  quiet and transcendent moments.

I am - as always it seems - in  discernment about my life in retirement - with a big question about what I am supposed to DO? And a morning like this reminds me, that it is most important for me to live in a stance in which I am truly open and listening.  Maybe it  is not about doing as much as receptivity. 

 I continue to marvel at the possibility for more growth and understanding  and openness to God's spirit.  And I am happy to have found spiritual directors in this journey.

"In spiritual direction, you reflect deeply on the experience of your daily life.  Gradually, as you contemplate, you may begin to recognize God's presence and grace in your life.  You may come to realize how God's spirit is truly with you every day and everywhere.  You discover that God has been waiting for you to seek this closer relationship."

Spiritual Director's International